Faking Reality- Jian

Aftermath: Kian

As I slowly awake after what feels like a long and restless sleep, it takes me a moment to realize my surroundings. As my vision slowly adjusts, all I can see is white. White walls. White floors. White everywhere and something inside me is screaming that it isn't right and it must be a dream and honestly as I try to piece together what happened, I am starting to believe that idea until I see me, lying motionless in a hotel room, Trevor screaming and running that I really start to understand that this is more than a dream. This is my actual reality and I am dead and I know for me at this point although this is what I have wanted for a really long time, I regret it. And I suppose what makes me regret this the most is seeing the way it really effected Trevor and then seeing Ricky collapsing. But what I dread and regret the most is leaving J.C alone and leaving him without a reason and without a clue of what was happening. I suppose for me that was the thing I regretted the most. Leaving J.C alone and knowing that I'll never get the chance to say I do at our wedding and kiss him in front of all my family and friends. That I'll never get to adopt kids with him and be a parent. That I'll never see J.C grow and develop into the amazing person that I left. But most of all, I'll never have the chance to grow old with J.C and never have the chance to stop loving him until the day I die. And as I sit down and think about this and what I have actually done, I know this is not what I wanted. Honestly I thought that when I decided that it was time to give it all up and it was time to let it all finally slip away, that I would be happy and I would finally find peace but I know now that I was stupid and blinded. I had already found peace and happiness and that was with J.C and I let that all slip away in one stupid and regrettable mistake that I wish I could take back but I know that as I sit on the white cloud watching Ricky trying to pick up the pieces and watching as Trevor tries and find a stable place, I know that I can't and as I feel the tears slipping away, I know that I made a mistake. And I know that this time, I can't go back. And I know at this moment, that it is all my fault.