Faking Reality- Jian

Kian's POV: Flashback (2 Weeks Earlier)

FLASHBACK: 2 Weeks Earlier

Why am I sitting here feeling like this? Feeling like everything is falling down around me and all I want to do is fall with it and shatter alongside the pieces? I should be happy. I have J.C and my life has been fantastic. But somehow, I still feel like something is up and I feel unhappy like I did before I met and started dating J.C. Honestly, I don't understand it and honestly, I don't get it. I really wish escaping depression was easier than this but to be honest with you and to bring it into reality, it's not. It's a constant battle with yourself. Like one moment you can be loving everything and everything seems to be climbing a hill and you're near the top but the next moment, you're crashing and falling until you're at the bottom having to start again. I honestly hate it and I honestly wish it would disappear but it won't. I am stuck with it no matter how hard I try and as I think about this, I can feel and see the thoughts of suicide popping back into my head and it takes me back to before I met J.C and I know that if I allow myself, I will sink back into that place and I won't be able to escape this time. This time I will officially finished and I know that I won't find a way back. And in a way, I honestly want this no matter how much I have going for me. Because I know that no matter how hard I try to fight this and no matter how hard I honestly try to find a way to escape this, I will always be trapped and I will always be in a depressed hell hole where my life is a reflection of everything I don't want to be and a reflection of all that I am a failure of and I know that this time I will crack and I will give in no matter how much I love J.C because I can't escape and I never will be able to escape ever. I am trapped and I am done and I know as I finally fall, I will finally have my freedom with or without J.C. no matter what the cost.