Faking Reality- Jian

J.C'S POV

As I awake the next the morning, reality takes a while to slowly reveal itself and as it slowly does, little flashes of the previous night start to flash within my vision. Me reaching out for Kian's hand and then him pulling me up onto his bed and kissing me until I fell asleep in his arms which is what I am greeted to as I slowly connect with my reality. To be honest with you, when Kian kissed me the previous night, I honestly wanted more. Like more as in more with Kian and to be honest with you for the first time in my life, I believed in that moment that he kissed me that I had finally found my purpose for coming to L.A and for me, that was Kian. And I know that's incredibly weird and strange because my purpose for moving to L.A from Texas was to find myself and I think personally, I have found myself. And it was all because of a boy by the name of Kian Lawley. Before I continue though, I know you're probably thinking about if I am gay or not and I am admitting to you now that I am actually Bi which I know is a weird thing to admit but when Kian kissed me, I knew that I was officially Bi because I actually enjoyed the kiss and honestly wanted more. Being Bi isn't something I have always wanted to admit and being Bi has been a really hard concept to grip for me in my grim and dark reality that greeted me and followed me in Texas. I shall explain.

You see when I was younger, I grew up in a really religious influenced environment where I was taught that the only right way to live was to be straight and like the opposite sex and not the same which in this day and age is completely okay but back then, it was a sin and if you did, you were going to hell as harsh and horrid as that sounds. This therefore meant that as I got into High School and started experimenting and discovering who I was, I always had that fear in the back of my mind which is one of the reason I hadn't admitted it to anyone. I think what really made me realize that I was Bi was in 10th grade, we were playing a game of spin the bottle at a party I was at and it landed on me and some guy who ended up making out with me for most of the night which I actually enjoyed. That particular boy ended up being my first boyfriend and I remember the night that I took him home and introduced him as my boyfriend, we both were thrown out by my mother. This boy however ended up killing himself accidently by alcohol poisoning a month later. Ever since then, I have always kept me being Bi to myself like a dirty secret and that's why I was crying when Kian told me that he wanted to commit suicide because it reminded me of him and how he slipped away from me. And this also explains me liking the kiss with Kian. Honestly, I wanted more with Kian but like my first boyfriend, Kian slipped away. And I suppose in life, people come and go but the hurt and the memories stay for a while after like a lingering aftermath. However, more will be explained later on how Kian slipped away.