The Dead Girl with a Heartbeat: Inside my Mind

February 2011

02-01-11 February 1st 2011 --Age 12--

Snow storm supposed to start tonight. Mom is totally all over this so-called snow storm, she can not stop talking about it. Umm yeah, so annoying and weird.

 02-02-11 February 2nd,2011 

It's a snow day! So Mom was actually right... haha! I saw a car drive right into a snow bank beside the house and laughed when random people tried to help him get the car out of the snow. It was hilarious. The roads are so icy and snowy, and I hate snow. But one awesome thing.. no school!

02-04-11 February 4th, 2011 

    I want to be thin. I am 90 pounds of pure fatness at 5"0 tall. I'm tired of being the fat one; at school, in the family, and everywhere I go. I will go to strict lengths to achieve my weight loss goal. I dream of being 65-70 pounds. Then I will be good enough. One day I'll get there!

02-09-11 February 9th, 2011

It's my brother, Shane's birthday today. He turned eighteen. 

02-11-11 February 11th, 2011

I was supposed to go to the [Name withheld] respite camp today for the weekend. It was cancelled for some reason! I wonder if anything bad happened..?

02-14-11 February 14th, 2011

It's valentines day today. Mom made a bunch of valentine packs with all kinds of chocolates and candy. I think the class liked them, but I'm not sure! I went out for lunch from school today with my friend Aaliyah. 

02-18-11 February 18th, 2011

Leaving for the weekend camp today! The only reason I'm kind of interested in going is because I want to test the counselors, who are also child and youth workers.  I want to see how they react to me not eating. 

02-19-11 February 19th, 2011

I'm at camp right now. We made plaster masks on our faces, played musical chairs, drums, pickup art, and much more! It's really fun! I'm really sick though for some reason. Every time I eat even one bite, my stomach feels awful, almost like somebody is squeezing it. Ouch! My room mates are JD and Mackenzie. JD is actually in my class at school, what a coincidence ! Mackenzie is a bit younger, maybe ten or so. She's kind of a cute kid, but she's a bit clingy. But she reminds me of J.. [step-cousin] Oh, and my little test on the workers went well! A counselor named [C] noticed that I didn't eat much today and yesterday. And , the worker I've known for a few years, noticed. 

02-20-11 February 20th, 2011

  I was up a lot last night, almost throwing up!For breakfast here at the camp, we had waffles and fruit, and cereal, yum! We went to the barn today to visit the horses, donkeys, cows, chickens, roosters, and rabbits! So freaking cute! I'm at home now. The f.. counsellors were b... today. I hate most of them! But I like Carley , she's so nice!

02-21-2011 February 21st, 2011

It's the official 'Family Day' today, so there was no school, although my family didn't do anything today. I actually went to my friend Shaya's house to hangout. I used her scale.. I am 96 lbs :( Ugh !

02-22-11 February 22nd,2011

 So I sent this girl in my class, Tania, a pretty nasty message on Facebook today.

I am so sick of her lies and her spreading people's secrets.

Everybody is. I decided to speak my mind. I probably shouldn't have, though. Her older sister sent me a 'nice little' message back. Actually it was a threat that she would report me to the school.

Yikes. Facebook drama sucks. 

02-24-2011 February 24th, 2011

I'm so pissed off at the moment. I'm so sick of parents, stress, bad grades, people, lies, drama, hate, teachers, school, and feeling so alone.  It feels quite like how I felt  last year, from summer until November, when I was feeling sad and angry all the time.

I don't want to feel like this.

I just want to be happy,

but my life just isn't working the way I want it to. 

02-25-11 February 25th, 2011

It's Dad's weekend again. I get to see my younger brother and Dad now :)  I am starting to wear 2 corset-like tops under my shirt to make my stomach stop bloating after I eat. 

97 Lbs today. I gained so much lately. 

02-26-2011 February 26th, 2011

I am eating so much less and the corset tops are working! I wore them to bed and woke up with a super flat stomach. I haven't weighed myself since last night. I need to stay like this and become skinny, I just want to feel pretty and thin. I'm so sick of feeling fat , bloated and disgusting. 

02-27-2011 February 27th, 2011

Omg, I am 92 pounds ! On Friday I was 97 pounds! How did that happen ? Whatever I don't care I'm just so happy I'm making progress. Dad put the scale in my bathroom so I could weigh myself every day since he noticed I've been using it a lot. 

02-28-2011 February 28th, 2011

 Finally buying my own scale tonight!! Yes! 

Today I had a bit of a mental break down. I got pissed off at Mrs.Esponito, my teacher, and I ended up crying uncontrollably and pulling out my hair. 

 I'm going to fail Drama/Dance at school. The girls kicked me out of their dance the day before we are going to perform! Wtf! I got locked out of the school at one point and they ignored me when I knocked. They claimed it was an 'accident'. Yeah right.