The Dead Girl with a Heartbeat: Inside my Mind

March 2012

03-07-12 March 7th, 2012

There's nothing left for me. I hate mom so much. I've been to the general hospital four times since my last diary entry. It's never ending. I'm feeling so suicidal and I can't stop cutting. I have to end it all sooner or later. The pain needs to go away. Please. Can't this just end? I'm dying from this internal pain and I feel so numb at the same time. I just want to disappear and forget this life existed. 

 I thought things would be so much better if I lived with dad. I'm so stupid for being so naive and foolish. It's only been two days that I'm living with him now, and he's already trying to ruin my life. I feel so worthless and hated. He continuously argues with me, yells and swears at me. He told me I'm ruining everybodies lives and putting stress upon everyone. I'm making things hard for everybody, he said. 

I need to die. Somebody just kill me, I'm too scared to do this myself and I just want this to end. 

03-08-12 March 8th, 2012

Dad was in a better mood today, I guess. We went grocery shopping, then later I played sims 2, my current addiction. 

03-09-12 March 9th, 2012

The Sims 2, Call of Duty Black Ops Zombies, and writing is what my life consists of right now. I'm not in school right now. Dad is in court to win sole custody of me. Everything is so stressful though, I have so much to adjust to. I keep trying to remind myself that life might just get better. I need to stop worrying my life away. I know that suicide is awful, permanent, and selfish, Why do I still feel this way? I think the only reason I haven't done it already is because of K and Grandma. It would just ruin their lives, I think. 

03-10-12 March 10th, 2012

Two years since you died, Cookie. I love you so much, and I promise I will never forget you. I miss you a lot, my little cookie munster! Xoxo

03-15-12 March 15th, 2012

It's very different living here. I have to ask for snacks. I have a bed time, ten pm. I am not allowed to leave my room after 9pm. No caffeine after 7pm. I have to clean my room everyday, make my bed, and do many things I rarely did at Mom's. No pets are allowed. I have to go to a public school. I will have to go to a senior public school. I am so freaking nervous about going to this new school. There are 450 grade sevens and eights. A different classroom for each subject. Lockers. Exams. More homework. This is like high school! I'm not ready for this and I'm stressing out so bad!

 I'm so scared. What if I do something wrong and become a joke to the school? What if I dress wrong or go to the wrong class? I'm so scared of seeing all these new unfamiliar faces. Will I be bullied? Will the staff have zero tolerance with me because of my record? 

Going from grade eight catholic elementary to grade eight senior public, there's a huge difference in everything! What am I going to do!?

03-20-12 March 20th, 2012

Dad won custody in court. I'm still under a lot of stress. Mom isn't making it much easier, she is claiming I stole things from her house. 

I miss Brayden and Blue Bear. K loves having me here full time. Sometime he still calls me Ya-Ya, sometimes he calls me by my real name. He is still learning words at the speed of light!

I have lost 4 pounds in one week. I haven't binged once. Yesterday was 400 calories. The day before was 40 calories. Today is 70 calories. Most of my diet is grapes ,grapes ,grapes! I am in love with eating grapes lately. 

 This huge fight happened on the ED/MH community on Facebook. Many girls were on my side, and many girls on another girls side. The other girl bullied me so bad, I carved  "F- you , [her name]" onto my leg and posted it for her to see. People went nuts and attacked me verbally. 

I'm so stressed out! 

03-24-12 March 24th, 2012

I did not write this entry on March 24th, I was admitted into the psychiatric unit in Dad's city. After Dad had said to me that I'm a monster, I don't deserve anything, he is ashamed of me, and that if I really want to kill myself, I should just do it..... I tried. I cut a vertical line down my wrist. Very deep. Dad was disgusted in me and he said I can't stay here anymore. I said, fine, take me to the hospital. There I went, talked to doctors, and was admitted to the psych unit within a few hours.