The Dead Girl with a Heartbeat: Inside my Mind

April 2011

04-01-11 April 1st, 2011  --AGE 12--

It's April 1st, April Fools! Today the class went to Mass at the board office next door to the school. I didn't even know what to do, I'm so freaking lame! I can't believe Mrs. Esponito and Mme.Steine  let me take pictures of them with my cell phone after school! ! Well now I can always remember them right ?

  Ha-ha. 

Later on today, since it's a Friday, I went to Dad's house. We had chinese food for dinner, and I ate a lot , like a fatty! 

04-02-11 April 2nd, 2011

Such a depressing day today! Today I asked Dad why he never eats and he replies with, "I'm not a glutton like you. ". I didn't know what that meant until I google'd it. I'm so fat, even my Dad admits it! Then later, to make matters worse, I was eating leftover chinese food and he calls me a pig! Ugh! And you know what also makes me mad? Aaliyah says she eats a lot and isn't skinny but it's reverse! She's so thin, beautiful and eats so little! I envy her so much. 

04-03-11 April 3rd, 2011

Oh my god, I ate so much today! I ate a whole can of Ravioli, a cheese burger from McDonald's, medium french fries, a box of tic tacs, a strawberry milkshake from McDonald's, and a Caramilk chocolate bar. And I probably ate even more but can't remember. Omfg it's terrible! I mean, seriously, I'm 98 pounds now. I'm going to stop before I reach the big one-zero-zero. 

04-04-11 April 4th, 2011

I didn't eat today. I'm proud of it. I am 94 lbs now! It was so easy to stop eating and I hope tomorrow is as simple. I fell asleep at 5 PM today and woke up at midnight, and then went to sleep again at 1 AM and woke up at 7 AM . I slept right through the hunger. 

04-05-11 April 5th, 2011

All that sleep really counts! I feel so energized today!! After 1 PM though, I started feeling hungry and exhausted. I still didn't eat anything though. I want to see how long I can do this. I feel fine , you know? Just water. Pure, clean, fresh water. Zero calories, zero fat, zero carbohydrates, zero additives, zero guilt, zero zero zero! Size zero, zero pounds, zero body fat, zero imperfections, zero is the way to go! It's perfection. I love water . Water is amazing.

04-06-11 April 6th, 2011 

Today was horrible. Last night, I woke up every hour. My sleep was awful and broken . I could barely move without feeling dizzy. I trashed my breakfast so I wouldn't eat it. At school I felt like a zombie. I was dizzy, agitated, irritable, and my stomach hurt like hell. I couldn't focus, I felt dead even though my heart was beating at least 150 beats per minute resting rate!

   It felt like it was beating out of my chest. It was scary.

Mrs.Esponito asked me what was wrong and asked me if I ate when I said I don't feel well. Stupid me said "no". She told me to eat. Stupid me ate. And stupid me ate a whole lot of food. After school, we had a talk about my eating issues, how I'm always starving then binging and repeat. Later on , at home, I binged. I gained three pounds. Tomorrow I will not eat anything! I need to be 85 lbs. now!

04-07-11 April 7th, 2011

I ate today. I'm a failure. I probably ate over 2000 calories today. Luckily I took laxatives and I'm down to 93 lbs. Considering how much I ate and how disgustingly I ate, that's pretty satisfying. 

 I went to the allergist today to get tested, and apparently I have no allergies which is surprising because of all my intolerance to food, like the horrible bloating that makes me look pregnant. Mom thought I might have been lactose intolerant but the allergist didn't say so.

  Something bad happened, when the allergist was pricking my arm with the tiny pins, she saw my cuts. She seemed to believe my "the cat attacked me" tale though and she shut up about it. She weighed me and I am 91 pounds according to the scales there. But my scale at home says 93, so just to be safe, I'll meet in the middle with 92 lbs. 

   Everything is just horrible and disorganized lately. My mind, my social life, my family, my home life,school, everything. Everything's a mess right now.

 I think I'm going to take a break from my computer for a little while. Fix my life. Clean my room. Start being a bit more hygienic, too. I feel disgusting. I need to clean the hamster cage. I need to pay attention to school. 

   I'm hoping if I can declutter my life, I will eat less. 

04-08-11 April 8th, 2011

Today we had a supply teacher named Mr.S. He is actually really obese but he has a good sense of humor; he's hilarious and made the class interesting and I actually paid attention for once. Out in the hall, Tania gave Anne a piece of gum and when I asked for one, she said no and started making excuses to why Anne gets one and I don't.  Oh and this one chick that works/volunteers in the kindergarten class was being a b.. to me! She has long,straight black hair and wears T&A and Lululemon and she has fair skin and is a total stuck up b...! 

  A guy in grade eight said I am really fat.

Later on in the computer pit, a little kindergarten child looked at me and then laughed and  whispered something to her friend. I got so fed up with it all and I broke down and cried in the bathroom for an hour. Later today, after school, I met up with Alexis at the school and for some reason, Tony was somewhere on the school grounds walking his dog. We approached him and somehow ended up hanging out with him for the next two hours or so. Ew, I know. Greasy haired annoying Tony, But whatever. We had fun. Him, Alexis and I went to parks, fooled around near the road laughing our butts off, and ran around ringing doorbells like rebels!  Then the fun came to a bitter end. Alexis scratched my cell phone screen and I got so mad. I am never talking to her again! She also stained and ruined my white hoodie from my vacation to Las Vegas last year! I want revenge so bad! I chased her almost all the way to her house. I wanted to smack her a million times and cut her fingers off and stab her and punch her and everything! Ugh! My rage was almost out of control at that moment. 

On the bright side of today, I got a lot of exercise from running around, I had fun, and I didn't eat much.

04-09-11 April 9th, 2011

 I went to Dad's house early this afternoon. It was a beautiful day outside, I wish I had went out there and enjoyed it. All I did was sit on my a- using my laptop! I'm so lazy and fat. No wonder Dad says you're out of shape...

   I ate 4 soup crackers with cheese whiz and 8 chicken fingers today. Piggy says oink!

   Things are still bad with Alexis. She posted nasty things about me on Facebook. Drama nonetheless.