The Dead Girl with a Heartbeat: Inside my Mind

July 2011

07-04-11 July 4th, 2011

Brownie.

Died.

I hate my life!

I miss him so much already. He is and always be my angel, one of them at least! He finally gets to meet Bijoux and he can reunite with his brother Cookie in hamster heaven.

   I love you Brownie and I'm sorry you have been taken from the world so soon and without warning. I don't know why you died, but you lived a decent age for a hamster. I'll never ever forget you or any of my other hamsters. I love you so much. Rest in paradise my little angel!

07-06-11 July 6th, 2011

Dear Brownie,

I have had this terrible , empty void in my heart since you left and I hope you aren't offended that I got another hamster, named Blue. No hamster will ever replace you, and I want you to know that I love you so much, and so much love that I can give to another hamster as well as you. This doesn't mean I don't love you more or less, just equal, and I will think about you every day, and that's a promise. I miss you a lot, and I'm treating this hamster well , in memory of you, Brownie!

07-13-11 July 13th,2011

I'm doing so good about not eating much, I only eat lunch now. I started at 98.5 lbs and have dropped down to 93.5.

I am so excited! I haven't been this low in months! I did this with barely any effort! I'm not even hungry, believe it or not. Today I ate less than a hundred calories and I'm proud of myself today. Usually I overeat if I try to restrict without fasting. My mini goal is 85LBS. My ultimate goal is 80 lbs. I might even push it even further and get lower! 

I went back to that Pro Ana Mia chat room that I haven't been to in months. Suddenly it's much more populated! I met some nice people and I even got some cell phone numbers so we can text. I'm so happy I'm finally accepted somewhere and treated well. I haven't felt this welcome in a while, honestly.

07-16-11 July 16th, 2011

I am trying to fast today but I doubt I'll get very far, my will power is weak. 

I didn't cut for a month and a half, which is huge progress for me. But last night I kind of cut my hip. Not really deep, more like just deep enough to let out some blood. I can't stand Mom. She's the reason I started cutting in the first place, around October 2010, and now she's the reason I'm relapsing into cutting again. She sleeps all day, gets Dad in trouble in court, doesn't buy me clothes, neglects to buy groceries and when she does it's unhealthy food. She's always lying and making excuses and I can never trust her. She's manipulative and cruel and she finds every thing to hold against you in the time she wishes to hurt you. 

And me, well,  I'm a loser and a nobody, It's true. Anne talks to me - sometimes. Since she's moved though, I think we're drifting apart as friends.  I have almost nobody though except the girls in my head; Ana, Kara, Jessica.Oh, and my hamster, if that counts. Nobody even texts me, I'm not going to bother topping up my balance on my phone.

I want to die. Let me rot and burn to death. Let me starve until I fade away. When I'm thin as air.

Somebody care about me.

Please.

Help.

I can't take this anymore. 

07-17-11 July 17th,2011

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if people read this entire diary. What would their reactions be? What would they think of me then? Would they like me more or less? Would they throw me in a insane asylum or something? I mean, people would probably be shocked about all the secrets I have. Like that I always feel depressed and lonely, that my family is dysfunctional, I cut myself, starve-binge constantly, I have weird obsessions and I occasionally have mental breakdowns when I can't hold things in any longer.

Thinking about this diary, I come to realize I must be crazy or something. I'm crazy . If someone reads this, I know they would have to toss me in the loony bin. I'm scared of what people's reactions would be! I hate having secrets like this.

I hate my life,

I hate everything, in general.

I have so much anger and hate, I can't nearly take it anymore!