The Dead Girl with a Heartbeat: Inside my Mind

August 2011

08-09-11 August 9th, 2011 --AGE 13--

Ugh, I've been stuffing myself with candy. I bet I'm at least 104 lbs. I can't weigh myself unless I sneak downstairs at night, because I'm at Dad's house today. I don't want to wake anyone up and I don't want to get caught weighing myself.

 I feel fatter than I ever have in my life. 

08-11-11 August 11th, 2011

Today I went swimming at a community pool with Mary's niece (Emma) , and her friend. We rode our bikes there. The pool is tiny compared to the one by my house (at Mom's)  and it was only us and a random lady with her two kids there. So it was pretty awesome having a pool practically to ourselves!! It was fun though.

Afterwards we went back to Emma's house and dad came to pick me up. I started getting dizzy and lightheaded and my vision got blacked out. I ate a kitkat bar and a bag of ritz before that so it wasn't from lack of food. Idk  what caused it but it was scary!! I thought I was going to faint right their on their kitchen floor...

Lately I've been sleeping at 7pm or 8am. It's 6pm right now and I feel so wiped out! It always happens right after I eat dinner. 

08-19-11 August 19th, 2011

Yesterday, I got down  to 92LBS. 

08-25-11

Rest in peace, to my two fish, Romeo and Juliet.

I am so sorry.

 I am sorry and I didn't mean for you to die. I know words can't change anything but I'm honest, even though you guys were "just" fish and whatnot,  and I didn't want you guys in my room taking up space, I still loved you both! I only wanted for you guys to have a cleaner tank to swim in and be healthy. I messed up. Mom even warned me to do it properly. I insisted on doing it myself because Mom wouldn't clean it. The water was black before I cleaned it. When I cleaned it, the water was clear and clean. I don't know what went wrong, but you guys started to fall to your sides and get weaker. I had to watch this. I feel so horrible. There was nothing I could even do at that point I realized it was too late. I thought I was doing the right thing and I ended up killing two innocent fish. I always mess things up. I'm so so so so sorry. I know words can't bring you back to life. I feel horrible and I'll punish myself for this. I promise I'll make up for it. I miss you guys. I had you for a year and a half, you were great, beautiful fish! 

 Mom said  I will never be allowed to work at a pet store, a zoo, or be a veterinarian. I am an animal abuser/killer/destroyer , Mom said. I should not be around animals, according to her. I feel so horrible already and that seriously made it way worse.

I deserve to die!!

A horrible and painful death!

I ruined lives and I can never take back what I did. It may have been an accident but that NEVER excuses the death of a living being.

EVER. 

    I wish I could change what happened. I really do. 

  I deserve to be punished and severely mangled for what I've done.

I'm so sorry . Rest in paradise Romeo and Juliet. 

08-26-11 August 26th, 2011