Letters

Letter 28

Dear Louis,

I find myself daydreaming about walking around with you on a sunny day. I don't know if it is heaven or it's just me clawing at the walls of hell, trying to break free from the rusted chains of hatred.

You taught me a lot of things in the short term of time that you spent with me. It wasn't enough. You had a lot to tell, I can feel it but, some secrets just faded away with you. It's all a part of my memory now, that's something I treasure.

You can't hold me in your arms now nor can I taste your lips but, the worst thing is when I sleep, I feel your hands on my back and then I wake up to nothing but, a cold bed.

I hope you forgave me for not being able to love you in all the ways I wish I did.
I never knew it was possible to miss somebody as much as I do now. Loving you wasn't easy but, then again nothing was. It hurts to think that I do-all the things we used to do together, alone now.

I write about you everyday. Sometimes in poems, incomplete sentences or just some deranged words but, somehow they make sense to me. The time I spent with you has given me too much to remember and when all of it bubbles up inside me, there are three things that I could do- spill them in tears, write them down or talk to Harry. My psychiatrist says the last two options are more desirable and likely to help me cope with all of this. Especially the last one.

Harry is the one to go to for seeking advice or even comfort. There's something in his words that gives you a ray of hope even when you have lost all of it and so close to losing everything in one flash.
"Louis is now at peace, Freya. Don't let his goodbye kill you. He would never want you to turn your life into something grey when you have always been so full of color. I think it's important for you to know that you haven't lost everything. I don't want you to wait for something that will never come your way. It will only shatter you when the realization hits you.
All the love that has enslaved you and is taking control over you will slowly lessen. It takes a while for the time to wash out the battle scars you got all the while you were out in the hurricane.
You can't keep on hurting yourself and getting new wounds that simply refuse to turn brown. Learn to love yourself a little bit more. I know you can."

I'm seriously considering replacing Dr. Green and having Harry for my therapy sessions instead. Once he starts speaking, he looks into distance with his green eyes clouded with thoughts. I'm thankful that he's such a comforting and thoughtful person otherwise I don't know what I would have done to myself by now.

Yes, I miss the person I used to be but, I miss you too. It turns out that all the things I love are somewhere out there in the universe, out of my reach.

Yours Truly,

Freya.

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