•Letters•

8.

Hemmo,

Well, today I took Noah to the zoo. He loved it, his favorite animal was the penguins. I had to fight back tears, I can't believe how much he is turning out like you.

"We were living on a fault line" I read this on the train today, it was scratched into the window. It's been in my mind all day, I've got all these different ideas to what it might mean. You were always good at this kind of stuff, working it what things meant.

Please tell me what it means, I need to know and I know you will have a better idea than what I do.

When we came home Noah couldn't stop talking about the penguins, he got a little stuffed teddy it's so cute how he talks to it. But outside the apartment door there was 2 teddies, one massive one and a smaller one.

The bigger one had a shirt on it, that glimmer of hope got bigger as I kneeled down and I could smell your deodorant.

I've always loved that smell.

That glimmer of hope so died down again when I read the cards, they were from Ashton and Calum. They did it to cheer me up it worked for a slight second and as soon as we got inside I slid down the back of the door years stinging my eyes and that's when Noah stopped.

He dropped Mr. Snuggles and the penguin and ran straight into my arms his bright blue eyes turned into dark blue and I knew he was going to cry.

I held him in my arms as tightly as I could and we both cried for a good half an hour, I have never seen him like this NEVER before Luke.

I'm scared he's going to turn out like me, I'm scared he's going to self harm, try to kill himself, I don't know. Maybe follow in my footsteps.

I don't want that for him, I'm trying to stay clean. For Noah and only Noah.

I'm planning on going to visit your Aunty and uncle down south so they can meet Noah and so we can get out of these 4 walls. Buster has turned out to be a really good guard door, he barks at anyone he doesn't know.

I need to feel safe again Luke, I haven't felt safe since you left. I hear every single noise outside the window, every dog bark.

I'm trying to keep Noah safe, I don't care if I get hurt. I just need my baby to be safe and I need you to be safe.

I'm begging you Luke, come home already. I've searched and searched for you. It's like you've fallen off the fave of the earth.

Much love,

Jas x

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Okay so if you haven't guessed the bold parts are song lyrics.

It's 'by the grace of God Katy Perry'

Love you xx

~Jodie x