•Letters•

18.

Lucas,

I have been feeling really alone again, all tears have come flooding back every night. I had a break from crying myself to sleep but not it's happening again.

I was so close to punch Ashton in the face today, he's done nothing wrong but he was the only one there and I was having a moment. These moments come and go, I tripped over a toy today and man I was pissed off.

I started swearing, loudly and I yelled at the kids. I hate yelling at them Luke, it makes me feel bad. The hurt look in their little eyes I couldn't help but apologize repeatedly.

Skye had her baby a couple of weeks ago, I haven't been able to talk to her much lately for the obvious reasons. Calum took the kids from me after the incident with Ashton and took them around there, they love the baby she's an adorable little thing. Looks a lot like Michael.

While I was alone i went through all of our old photo albums, we had so much together. While I was sitting there I started thinking.

'I wasn't gonna let love take me out that way.'

I have my ideas about what it means but you know everyone has their own perspective of these kind of things. I'm not going to let my broken heart ruin my life I'm going to live my life.

I'm sure as hell your living yours, the small glimmer of hope is still there but I need to live my life to the fullest.

Noah starts school next year, I've been talking to the boys and they want to open their own recording studio. I'm going to join them and be a part owner in the company.

Music has become a big part of my life, I've been learning guitar and it's been helping a lot with my stress and anxiety.

I don't know how I should explain it but that's what it's been helping with. That notebook I found with the half finished songs through it I started singing one of them and playing guitar to it.

The kids really enjoy singing along and it takes a lot of stress off of me when I see that they're happy. But sometimes, just sometimes I need to see your happiness.

I feel deep down that your happy without me, give me something that says your not or that you are. Either way your feeling it's okay, I'll be okay with it. If your happy it's good and if your not I know the feeling like and you will know what I'm going through.

I love you

Jas xoxo

-

This book just keeps getting more and more sad, I cry

The next book will have a lot more detail in it and yeah.

Love you

~ Jodie x