I can't do this anymore

Why do i feel so scared

Chapter 10

Rachel's pov

When I get to my house, I am struggling to breathe. I didn't stop once to breathe for air, I couldn't. I didn't want Jessie to notice I left and come running after me.

Once I got to my house I headed straight for the bathroom, I felt worthless. I went straight to the medicine cabinet and saw what I was looking for, a blade.

I suddenly had the urge to cut myself, my skin was tingling for the touch of the blade. Before  I made each cut, I was thinking about how Jesse used me, and all the bullies at school. Nobody ever understands the pain I am in, they just hurt me because I am fat and ugly. They just forget that I have feeling and they forget that I am an actual person. I may only have a few friends, but I trust them and only them. I also may have trust issues, but that's because of what I have been through.

When I was finished cutting, I had 6 new cuts on my left arm and 11 new cuts on my right arm. I then clean my cuts thoroughly with soap and water then I head to bed, even though it's 1:00 pm and there is school.

I am to ashamed to go to hell and be abused more. I am even more nervous to see Finn, I know he still loves me. I cannot tell anybody about this, they will make fun of me even anymore than they already do.

The next day

Still Rachels pov

I woke up screaming from a nightmare about Jesse, the dream was him raping me. I was yelling for him to stop, but he didn't. I honestly wish I could tell somebody, but I just don't want to get even more.

I get out of bed and put on a navy blue baggy sweatshirt with black leggings. I am also wearing combat boots.

When I get out of my room I head to the kitchen when I remember: I'm fat. So I run out of the kitchen and go to my car. I haven't eaten IN More than 24 hours so my stomach is growling, but I need to have a perfect diet that makes me skinny. A girls got to do what a girls got to do, right.

Anyways when I walk into the school, I see my bullies giving me a death glare since I wasn't here yesterday. Their probably mad that they didn't get to hurt me. All of a sudden I feel a sharp pain as my head gets smashed up on a locker. I look over to the right to see the one and only Dave korafsky hitting and punching me.

Rachel: stop, please! Oww your hurting me. (I sob)
Korafsky: you deserve it bird beak, now let me hurt you even more because you weren't here yesterday.
Rachel: you don't have a right, I wasn't having a good day yesterday.
Korafsky: well too bad Berry, I hope you die (tries to punch her in the gut)

I Get out of his grasp and run to the bathroom.

At this point I am sobbing as hard as I ever have. I am still running to the bathroom, but my eye sight is starting to get blurry because of all the tears in my eyes. All of a sudden I ran into a big muscular structure, then he speaks.

Finn: Rachel, are you okay?
Rachel: yes, I'm fine. Can you please get out of my way
Finn: Rachel wait!

I Tried to walk away, but he grabs her arm

Rachel: OWW!

I hold my arm

Finn: I'm so sorry Rachel. Have you been cutting?
Rachel: yes I have, but it's not for the you think it is.
Finn: what's the reason? You can trust me.
Rachel: I should really get going
Finn: please Rachel, please.
Rachel: fine but we have to be somewhere quiet, it's too embarrassing

Auditorium

I sit down at the edge of the stage with Finn next to me. He looks at me and asks
Finn: why have you been cutting? And be honest please
Rachel:umm... I never thought this would be so hard (she sobs). Well... I was, umm... I was raped.

Merry Christmas to all you people who celebrate Christmas!  I honestly could not be any happier that I get so many reads (a lot in my mind) on this book.  I am just amazed at how many of you vote for me as well.  Anyways, I just wanted to wish you guys a very merry Christmas ❤️💚