In My Life

Chapter 32

Had he told Paul?
Would it have been better if he did?
I didn't want to face Paul after all. I just couldn't tell him.
But I had to. And in person.
But if John had already told him...

"Samantha!" Sung a sunny voice from behind the knocking door.

It was early afternoon, but the skies were already dawning on sunset, drawing a close to yet another day.

"Paul." I sighed half heartedly as I opened the front door to reveal him.

"Not quite the response I received this morning but I'll take it." He chuckled, leaning in to kiss me on the cheek.

"Sorry." I winced, turning my cheek from him, taking him aback slightly. It just wasn't right. I couldn't go through with it all and keep what had happened with John hidden from him.

"Can I come in?" He asked brightly, batting his thick eyelashes.

"Erh, no actually, I'd rather step outside. We need to talk." I bit my lip, closing my front door behind me as I lead him to the back garden.

We sat on a old white bench my mother had fixed up and painted herself a few years back, and watched the sun set from the decent view we had.

"So, eh," I stuttered awkwardly. "Have you spoken to John much about anything today?"

"Well actually yes." He nodded, making my stomach knot.

"What?" I breathed quietly, almost forgetting I even had a voice.

"Well we agreed we're gonna start writing some of our own material." He beamed.

"Is- is that all?" I stuttered.

"Yeh, pretty much, sorry I don't come bearing action packed thrillers to share with you." He chuckled lightly, tickling my hips playfully, and making me laugh.

"Paul!" I giggled, trying to catch hold of his hands. "Stop it!"

"Okay okay." He surrendered, still laughing.

Just to see his smile. How much I wanted to hug him.

"Look Paul I need to tell you something." My smile faded, as I began to play with my hands nervously. "I wouldn't blame you if you hated me for this."

"Oh I couldn't hate you Sam." He kissed my forehead, shuffling closer to me on the bench.

I looked up to meet his eyes, and though he thought he was being genuine, I couldn't believe him.

"Look Paul, I don't want to hurt you. That's the last thing I want!" I bit my lip firmly, trying to control my emotions. "And you know that I really, really, really like you."

"And I really, really like you too Sam." He smiled benevolently, pinning a lock of my hair behind my ear.

He was like an endearing child. I couldn't bring myself to look him in the eye and hurt him, and let his fond heart tear.

What had I gotten myself into?
Paul was one of the most patient and kind beings I'd ever come across before. He didn't deserve what I was about to give him, but he also didn't deserve to be lied to.
I didn't deserve him.

"Paul, I don't think you understand." I clutched his hand from my ear, placing it back down on his lap. "I've done something terrible."

He shook his head at me as though I was joking. "It can't be that bad!" He encouraged me sweetly.

"No Paul. I hate to tell you this, but last night...I stopped by John's." I began.

He smiled sympathetically, smoothing over my shoulder supportively with his hand.

"I'll take it it didn't go well then." He gritted his teeth. "He seemed to be a bit down today, y'know?"

"No Paul I do not know!" I raised my voice slightly, shrugging his hand from my shoulder, which startled him slightly. "Now please listen."

"I'm sorry." He frowned apologetically. "I didn't mean-"

"No don't apologise Paul please!" I snapped, running my fingers through my hair agitatedly. "It just makes me feel worse."

He sat frozen for a while. Not sure whether or not to touch me or speak to me. I hadn't even begun to tell him and was already treating him like dirt.

"Paul I'm sorry." I sighed, taking a deep breath to mollify my tense body. "I didn't mean to snap at you, I just...it's me who needs to apologise."

He still said nothing, but his saddened, doe eyes waited patiently for me to continue.

"My only words of encouragement from here on in, is that I can assure you that you could never have a girlfriend any worse than me in the future." I began.

He cocked his head to the side with a perplexed expression upon his face.

"Paul...I stayed with John the night." I pressed my palms to the temples of my forehead. "We talked things over, and well, he kissed me."

I didn't dare look at Paul by this point, burying my face in my hands as I finished.

"And I'm afraid to tell you...that, that I kissed him back. And that it didn't end with just the one kiss Paul."

I was biting my lip down so firmly by this point, I could taste the blood it was drawing from inside my mouth.

"All I can say is I'm sorry Paul! I'm so sorry!" I drew my face from my hands to reach out for him, but he stood up, and began staring down at me in disappointment, silently. "I just wanted to let you know was all." I sighed.

He stared plainly at me, like John had, except not as coldly. Like I'd expected, he looked hurt, and without another word, he turned to his heel and exited the garden.

"Paul!" I called after him, scrambling from the bench to chase after him. "Paul I'm sorry!"

He ignored my cries and continued walking, until I caught up with him further up the street, and reached out for his shoulder. He turned to me with a very pale and solemn expression, which didn't suit his peppy spirited self at all. He placed his hand on my cheek, where I'd hoped we'd kiss and make up miraculously like in all the films. However, he simply left it there, staring me impassively in the face. His usual sparkling, puppy dog eyes never seemed more dim, but I still couldn't draw my eyes from them, and him the same.

"I'm afraid I don't wish to see you anymore Samantha." He whispered, his warm, minty breathes passing over my face, before dropping his hand from my jaw again, and striding off down the street.