Breaking Bad

Funeral

A couple days have pasted. I just haven't been myself. Its feels like something has been weighing down on me and I cant move it because I'm to weak. I just feel restless and tired. Just mentally and physically hurt and drained.

"Jessica." Ms.Williams said hugging me.
Im sorry.
"I know Buddy loved you."
Yeah.
"He had this in his pocket. I think he was going to give it to you." She hands me a box.
A fucking ring.. Buddy! Really!? Im sorry.
"Its okay."
Its just so hard.
"I never thought I'll lose my son. Like this."
I just didn't have any words. My kids lost their father.
"It kills me inside." She said crying.
Its killing me.
"They said we had to talk about these funeral plans."
No I cant... I cant. I said crying pushing the papers away.
"I could ask Trey." She suggested.
Huh. I doubt it. Its trey. I said whipping my tears away.
"Ms.Williams." Destiny said walking towards the back.
"Uh destiny hi. Maybe you should come back another time." His mom said whipping her face.
No I'm just leaving.
"Why were all family." Destiny said.
No were not.
"Emilia, Liyah are half sisters to my daughter."
Really. Why didn't you let Buddy see her then. Answer that Zee.
"I.." she said getting stuck on her words.
Shut up! Your trash! No excuse. You call yourself family. You did him dirty. I said getting upset.
"And you didn't!" She yelled back.
Im not saying I didn't.
"Then what are you exactly saying?" She asked.
Its funny how you just now show your face.
"Its funny how I always found you at my door step looking for him."
"Girls!" Ms.Williams yelled.
No! You didn't give a shit about him Destiny. You just wanted him so you could make him mad. Tell the truth. Other wise you could care less. Buddy never would love you like he loved me.

I walked away and got into the car and drove off.

"Hey." My mom sad putting the dish rag down.
Hi mom.
"You okay?"
Really. I said sitting down.
"I know. I just want you to talk to me."
I dont feel like talking.
"I just want to be there for you when it happens."
What?!
"Jessica. Let somebody be here for you. For those girls."
They have me.
"Huh sure. You pushed all your friends away. Whats next. You neglect your kids."
Mom! I just lost the one person I care about most in the world. My hea-rrt , my li-fe , my everything. My.. I cant. How am I suppose live or go on. Its.. I said bowling.
"I know baby. Just let it out."
I cant.

Friday September 23, 2016 was the last day I saw him. I saw his face. I cried the whole time. It felt like my stomach were in knots the whole time. It felt every minute I was trying to grasp for air but I just couldn't breathe.

"Its was a beautiful ceremony." My mom said.
"Thank you. Thanks so much for coming." Ms.Williams said giving my mom a hug.
"Jessica." Sherita said turning around.
"Jess. We leaving." Frank said grabbing my shoulder.
I know.
"Well we not leaving till you do." Sherita said.
Thats fine.
"Jess?" Frank said.
Huh.
"Talk to us."
I loved him.. He made me laugh, smile, mad, sad, happy, everthing. Now he's gone. What am I to do now? No point in living.
"Yes it is! The two girls you got." Sherita trying to make me come back to reality.
I need more than that.
"Jess." Trey said.
Trey.
"Listen to me." He said.
Where am I going Trey. Hmm? I said whipping my tears.
"Liam loved you. A lot. Probably more than he loved our own mom." Trey said.
"Something real quick. His real name was Liam this whole time!?" Sherita said trying ti be funny.
Yes Sherita. I said smiling.
"Ha I got a laugh!" She said smiling.
No.
I just start crying. They all get close and tell me that their there for me. I just cant process it right now. Buddy. Like buddy. Ugh god.

Two months have past and all I can think about is what am I living for. I didn't go to school or work. I just couldn't take anyone else's sympathy for me. All those fake or phony people I don't know telling me how sorry they are for my lost when their not.

"Get up." Sherita said dragging the covers off me.
Sherita fucking stop.
"No. You been in this bed all day everyday. How are you going to graduate."
Dont care.
"Get up now!"
Sherita got damn it! I swear to fucking god leave me alone!
"Hmp."
Thank you!!
"Jessie jess. Girl you got to get up." Frank said shaking my leg.
Frank. Stop.
"Emilia and Liyah need you." Frank said.
Would yall stop! Stop using my kids against me! I know what they need. They need me and Buddy. Bring him back. Then maybe I'll consider about getting up. Going to school and oh maybe brushing my teeth. Maybe even combing my hair too! Please get out!
"Jess." Trey says.
Trey.. Trey sweet Trey. Out of everybody you should understand the most. Don't you just want to end your life. Oh right you almost did before I stopped you. Tell them the truth why Tink left. Because you were fucked up and some more stuff. Who's gonna want to be with us now. We want to kill ourselves. This.. This isn't living. Im dying inside. It hurts. This shit hurts the hell outta me. Its so hard to let alone wake up and move my head to look at the wall. And this room god. I hate this room everything reminds me of him, but my body doesn't want me to leave. I feel exshausted. My heart hurts. It fucking hurts. You know I thought I was going to spend my life with that boy. Now I have to pretend to love someone as much as I did to him. I couldn't even pretend I just couldn't. He's gone. I tell myself that everyday I open my eyes in the morning. Cant roll over and cuddle. Cant say hey babe I love you. Cant say hey Buddy I miss you. Oh hey what are you doing. You know I texted him and realized I have his phone. I would even text back sometimes. Like as if he was still here. I tell him I miss him. He tells me the same. He said I had to move on but I don't want to. He so stubborn. We both were. He said he loved me and Emilia and Liyah forever. He also told I need to be nice to Destiny. Cause he somewhat care about her.  Am I crazy? Lol.
"No." Trey said.
"Absolutely not." Frank said crying.
"This is normal main. People always go through this. Its okay to think that there here with you. Its apart of mourning." Sherita said hugging me.
I think I'm crazy yall. I love him.
"We all did." Sherita said.
You know what song I'm thinking of?
"What." Frank asked.
I will always love you by Whitney Houston.
"Of course." Trey said.
"Right." Sherita said.
"Buddy use to listen to that when we was younger. All the the time." Trey said.
For real?
"Yep." Trey said smiling.
Thats my baby. I said smiling.
"Oh we know! Trust." Sherita said.
If I... should stay, I would only be in your way. So I'll goo ,but I know that I'll think of you every step of the way... And iiiii will always love you. Will always love youuuuuh.. youuu my darling you. Biter sweet, memories, that is all is I'm taking with me. So goodbye. Please don't cry.
"Oh lord." Sherita said laughing.
Huh. I was so drunk I don't even know what I said to him that night.
"I hope, life treats you kind. And I hope that you have all that you dreamed of, and I wish you joy and happiness! But above all this I wish you loveeeee loveee." Trey started singing along.
And iiiiiiiii eeeiiiii will alwayssss loveee youuuoo willl alwaysss loveeee youuuu!!! 
"Okay frank we out." Sherita said laughing.
"For real got to blast." Frank said pointing to the door.
"See friends make you feel better." Sherita said.
Ehh. Not that much but just enough.
"Still we love you Jess. We here for you. Always." Frank said.
Of course.
"Soo..?" Sherita says.
We graduate. Live our lives. Always keep in contact with each other.
"Yeah." Frank said.
"Sister you know I ain't going no where." Trey said.
Brother I know. I love yall.
"We love you to." They all say at once.
"Guess what?" Sherita said.
What sherita?
"Right." Frank says.
"He broke you." She said smiling.