Hardest of Hearts (Lauren/you) ON HIATUS

All I am

Every performance  of this tour has been a silent call to her. Every fucking note i sing. Every syllable that leaves my lips is meant for her. the only person ive confided in is Lauren. Shes the only one that knwos that every time i look out towards the screamning crowd before me i am silently hoping that Isabella shows up. Call me desperate but that's the only thing that makes me look forward to standing in front of that crowd and perform my heart out. dDont get me wrong i loved my fans and appreciated all the support that theyve given me and my band but if i ever got to see her in the crowd looking back at me with those hazel eyes that i loved then everything would be enough.

After Isabella i know that love is something I want to be seeking  anytine soon and thats where Lauren steps in. She get me. Theres the obvious attraction to her with those beautiful emerlad eyes that light up everytiime they're shown one of my new poems/songs. But I know that if I were to ever pursue her I'd only ending up fucking her up when she deserves so much more.

As i walked towards catering i catch Ethan and lauren having an animated conversation. A smidgen of uneasiness is felt in my gut but i disregard it. prbably because im hungry i think. When i walk past i shoot Lauren and Ethan a quick smile and make my way towards the smorgasbord of food on the table before me. My mouth waters as i scoop some mac and cheese onto my plate until Jonah and Camila pop up behind me and honestly scare the macaroni off my plate. Camila is doubled over on the floor caught in endless laughter at my reaction which was unfortunately captured on Jonahs phone, no doubt already have made its way onto snapchat and twitter. He leans on Camila with tears in his eyes, almost needing to stop for air. When their laughter subsides i shoot them a fake annoyed stare and until run at Camila with whats left of the macaroni on plate, grabbing a handful getting ready to cover her hair in it.

"No y/n you wouldnt dare" she laughs and questions me hiding behind Jonah, obviously knowing my intent as i still hold the handful of macaroni in my hands. I'm poised ready to cover both her and Jonah until our tour manager Mike comes out telling us to behave. "Y/n it would be greatly appreciated if you could eat the food not throw it" he reprimands me in which i answer with a sheepish smile putting the food back onto my plate. Camila and Jonah disappeared while i Mike spoke to me. hmm might have to wait for my chance until later. i faintly hear a familiar giggle from Lauren as Ethan whispers in her hear as she goes to grap a blue popsicle from the freezer. It bothers me alot if im being honest but yet again i ignore any type of bullshit i feel and proceed to eat with Sydney and Ally.

theres a certain calm i feel as the nicotine of my cig invades my senses. I've tried quitting but frankly I'm a slave to my addiction as Lauren would say to me. As I make my way back to towards the dressing rooms to prepare for the performance I catch Lauren hanging out in my dressing room talking to Ethan again. I play at being non chalant greeting them briefly before heading off to get dressed in the bathroom. I faintly hear Lauren's giggles and laughter outside and honestly there's an annoyance that looms over me for that fact. She catches my stare and follows me out the dressing room as she sees my evident annoyance. "hey y/n, whats wrong?" her green search mine as i turn around trying to avoid her gaze. "its nothing ok," instead of waiting for an answer i attempt to walk away until she grabs my arm in the middle of the hallway so that i can look her in the eye. "Why does it seem like it bothered you that I was talking to Ethan" her question catches me off gurad and thats when the barriers come up.

"No Lauren,
It didn't bother me ok. So stop making me out to be some kind of jealous jealous boyfriend." My voice  was laced with annoyance as I put up a front, "We agreed that we were allowed to see other people. I don't own you"

"then why does it seem like you dont like me talking to your brother?"

"Look i dont have time for this ok. The show starts in 10 mins and i need to find the rest of my bandmates." instead of me walking away first she walks away obviously irked by the fact that i completely avoided her questions as I had rudely dismissing her instead.

'fuck this i dont need emotions'.

(play song)

I stand alongside my brother and Jonah with bass and guitar in their hands. the crowd amps up as they hear Sydney introduce the beats of the snare and drum to one of the most popular songs of our album.

All I am is a man
I want the world in my hands
I hate the beach
But I stand
In California with my toes in the sand
Use the sleeves of my sweater
Let's have an adventure
Head in the clouds but my gravity's centered
I could feel Lauren's stare from the side of the stage. To be honest it made me a little nervous as I sang this song .

Touch my neck and I'll touch yours
You in those little high-waisted shorts, oh

She knows what I think about
And what I think about
One love, two mouths
One love, one house
No shirt, no blouse
Just us, you find out
Nothing that I wouldn't wanna tell you about, no
I felt like this line had actually related to my current situation with her.
'
Cause it's too cold
For you here and now
So let me hold
Both your hands in the holes of my sweater

And if I may just take your breath away
I don't mind if there's not much to say
Sometimes the silence guides our minds
So move to a place so far away
The goose bumps start to raise
The minute that my left hand meets your waist
And then I watch your face
Put my finger on your tongue
'Cause you love to taste, yeah
Lauren doesn't realise that I can see the way she looks at me and the way her eyes light up as I enter the room.

These hearts adore
Everyone the other beats hardest for
Inside this place is warm
Outside it starts to pour

Coming down
One love, two mouths
One love, one house
No shirt, no blouse
Just us, you find out
Nothing that I wouldn't wanna tell you about, no, no, no

[2x]
'Cause it's too cold
For you here and now
So let me hold
Both your hands in the holes of my sweater

Whoa, whoa...
Whoa, whoa... whoa
Whoa, whoa... [2x]
I prompted the audience to join me and in that moment it was completely magical with the thousands of flashes of cameras and light emitting from the thousands of phones in the air before me. They created our own personal night sky.

'Cause it's too cold
For you here and now
So let me hold
Both your hands in the holes of my sweater

It's too cold
For you here and now
Let me hold
Both your hands in the holes of my sweater

It's too cold,
It's too cold
The holes of my sweater...
I walked off the stage with the rest of my band armed after the show was done and it's not enough to say that the fact that Lauren giving my brother one of her signature smirks had made this anger rise inside me. It was enough for me to enter the desolate bathroom punching the wall, leaving a dull pain in my knuckles. My reflection in the mirror showing me the remnants of someone I once was...