Hardest of Hearts (Lauren/you) ON HIATUS

Decisions

I looked out of the window of the execs office and watched all the mindless souls that sprawled across the LA landscape. I wished so strongly to just be one of those people for once. The satisfaction in a normal life would never exist for me as long as I as stuck in this contract and my timeless shoots remained embedded within magazines and the fashion magazines. I thought about the call from Lauren daily, trying to gain a semblance of the reason why she would be calling me. I hungered for her as usual. Her touch was the only thing that could ever make me sure of my purpose on this planet. The way that her eyes looked at me was what I missed the most. They consumed me and put me under their spell each and every time, putting my mind in a daze and bringing forth that familiar burn in my chest, heart rejoicing as a I looked back at the woman I loved.

Somehow though, I always pushed those thoughts back not wanting to experience the full force of the pain of my yearning. Ethan's glare was clear as I felt the pair of beady eyes looking at me from the other side of the room. This had been going on ever since we had come back to record again. His obsession with Lauren was very intentional by this point though. Every night it seemed that he was taking her out with his entourage, appearing seamlessly in the tabloids and gossip programmes, sparks of 'Has Lauren found a new beau' and the bullshit of whether or not there's a 'love triangle in full force'. Lauren has seemed pretty quiet about our falling out and that makes me extremely glad. All that matters to me is that she's out of the way of my toxic self. I felt like a puppet to the masses and that made everything worse. Every interview, every performance was a mere show that prompted me to adjust my mask carefully and beam that smile that no longer had nay meaning or intention behind it by now. The stylists worked harder and harder everyday til one day I grabbed the hands of one of them saying, 'That's enough thanks....' Getting up and making my way out of wherever I was settled in that month.

"Lauren asked to see you, you know..." Ethan's voiced aimed in my direction as we adjusted the settings on the amplifier during our studio time. I normally would've disregarded any comment that came from him but it was hard to ignore him whenever Lauren was the subject of conversation.

"And why would she want that?" I snickered trying to appear indifferent to this news. Ethan stopped his hands dead in his tracks and turned to me with a hand on my shoulder. I looked at him to realise that I wasn't met with a glare or anything venomous for that matter. His eyes were defeated as he took a moment to speak to me. I tried to turn my attention to something else but Sydney and Jonah seemed to have disappeared.

"You do realise how badly you've broken her heart, don't you? I backed off because I thought you were good for each other, Y/N, but all I see every day is the sadness in her eyes knowing that you didn't love her the way you were supposed to...It kills me not to be able to do anything about it y/n. I care for her very much and it gets harder for me daily not to do something about the way I feel about her- "

"Just do it man..." I let out a sigh as I turned my attention to the amp once more. My heart felt like it would burst in my chest with the way that it burnt deep inside me. There was no longer madness that I felt towards Ethan. He was genuinely trying to be there for the woman that I should've been protecting and caring for.

"She doesn't want me Y/N. I know that and you know that. I just want her to be happy and I know that's what you want too, I can't not be mad at you for being the way you have been with her and everyone around you Y/N, I just need you to understand that. You need help. Serious help. You don't have to do anything alone." The sincerity in his voice was something I hadn't heard for a long time. I wanted to give in very badly but every time I remembered the way he had interfered with my relationship with her that toxic feeling inside me rose to the surface again. I fought against it wanting to just get on with things as they were.

"I don't think I have it in me to see her again E. I just need time to let us both heal from all the shot that's happened. I frankly don't think that I am good enough neither deserving of Lauren. She could do so much better than me, I've realised that now." I fiddled around with the settings once more before fully facing Ethan.

"Just see her, trust me that's what you need Y/N." Ethan gave me one last pat on the shoulder before setting his guitar down on the other side of the room to chat with the audio engineers.

I stared at the scuffs on my shoes as I wondered whether I should follow Ethan's advice. The thought that Lauren still hadn't given up on me by this point still completely eluded me. She couldn't possibly still be in love with me or even have an ounce of sympathy for me after the hell I've put her through so far.

I looked across the room again watching as everyone carried on with their day. I couldn't help but feel the weight of the loneliness that consumed me, day in and day out. I made my choice and walked out of the studio.

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