Hardest of Hearts (Lauren/you) ON HIATUS

Walls

                   BONUS ALTERNATE SCENE!!!! I had written this as well and curious to know which one works best.

She stood there, just staring at me puzzled and concerned. My breath was ragged and suddenly I could not handle the weight of her stare. I cursed at myself for telling her how I really felt. I imagine that she could feel the steady, hard thumps of my heart pounding away at my chest. The effects of the coke were starting to wear off. My high came crashing down and with that also my confidence.

"Y/n...what hurts?" her voice was laced with worry and care. How could an iridescent girl like Lauren give a shit about someone like me. Yeah, I'm not the worst person on this earth but I also knew that I didn't deserve her at all. She makes me wanna scream, she makes me wanna give it all away. I looked at her, trying to slow my breathing and come up with a coherent response.

"Everything...everything fucking hurts. I fucked her up Lauren. It was my fault tha-I don't deserve your kindness, yet... I hate being away from you...fuck. What are you doing to me?" everything was pouring out of mouth like word vomit. My thoughts couldn't be contained in this vulnerable moment. I'm pretty sure that the things I had just said probably made no sense at all. After a moment of silence her hand moved away from my chest and her soft hand moved up to the rough stubble of my cheek. The way she looked at me increased the ache in my chest. It showed so much love, so much beauty, she was the only exception. My mind told me that I had to be fair to her. To let her go. to let her find someone that wouldn't make her feel like dying. My heart thought fought and fought. It contemplated between giving in or just shutting itself off.

"Your eyes tell me everything I need to know Y/N. I saw the way you looked at me that night. Did you really think I wouldn't notice how jealous you've become ever since I started hanging with Ethan? Of course I did. Stop fighting it...please. Just try for me. I know that you blame yourself for things you've done in the past and I understand that but please Y/N don't shut me out..." her words were full of sincerity and desperation. I didn't want to lose her as much as she didn't want to lose me. For a second I was thinking about all the things that could happen if we were together...

I closed my eyes took a step back and crossed my arms. I exhaled a sigh. I knew she was waiting for a reply. I didn't want to give her an answer at all. Not like this.

"I need time Lauren...this," I gestured between our bodies, "it's intense and its scaring the shit out of me." I tried my best to sound calm despite the tension that began to rise like hot air. Her eyes were so beautiful today. I thought this as my mind wandered for a split second. The tiny specks of amber that obscures itself in the centre of her iris were especially noticeable in the bright lights of the hallway. I couldn't help but feel so much for the woman that stood before me. She exuded so much radiance that the world did not deserve at all.

A vignette of a few days ago forced its way into my mind as I noticed the plumpness of her lips and the dark red lipstick that graced them. I remembered the way my brother had kissed her. The way she closed her eyes as if she wanted to be stuck in that moment. The pain of that time resurfaced and suddenly I knew why this couldn't happen. As much as I cared about her I also cared about my brother and I wouldn't let a girl get in between that.

"Why'd you let home kiss you?" she was caught off guard by this sudden inquiry. I needed to kno-no I wanted to know why.

"Y/N this isn't about him- "

"Wow that's convenient Lauren."

"why are you being like this now," there was obvious hurt in her voice. No she can't get to me now.

"He's my BROTHER, Lauren. How could you not expect me to be affected by that? I thought you told me that you loved me a few days before that? Or what was that just an in the moment thing?" I know I sounded like a dick all of a sudden but the only way o could overcome this tsunami of emotions that were attacking me right now was to get answers for things I was hurt about.

"I know that Y/N. God...the minute I feel like I'm getting somewhere with you, you come out and like-I don't know make other things important instead." I grew satisfied to hear her frustration with me. If I could make her hate me then this pain would go away right?

"you know what Lauren fuck it. why don't you go with him if it's less complicated with him? I'm a fuckup anyways..." I couldn't be bothered with her anymore.
"Y/N don't be like this..." she let out a defeated sigh and moved closer into my personal space. I stared down at her I knew that she could feel me slipping away. In the space of a few seconds I kissed her. I let all that I felt fall into that kiss. I gripped at her waist tightly as she wrapped her arms around me, caressing the skin at the nape of my neck. The feel of her lips against mine felt like heaven. I needed to let her know that this was the last time that this would happen. When we were about to part I laid one last peck on her lower lip letting my lips drag down them slowly afterwards. I watched her face and how her eyes were still closed. I let go of her waist moving an inch away before I pecked her forehead. I revelled in the smell of shampoo in her hair and how it smelled like coconut. The ache in my chest intensified while my mind cued me to move away from her now. To keep our relation strictly friendly and professional.

"I'll see you around Lauren." She knew that this wasn't the start of something new. Lauren had always been a clever woman. As I moved away she gripped the last of my t-shirt before letting go. I heard her retreating steps move towards my bands dressing room. I moved in big strides before I found the exit where I could smoke in peace. As I took out my white lighter and ignited it against my cigarette the sun beat down on me softly. The first inhale of that smoke reassured me of my decisions. I imagined the walls around me harden with brick and mortar, then the sheen of a metal casing, protecting me from anymore bullshit. Yes, I was a romantic person, I didn't mind watching a good chick-flick once in a while but ever since Bella, that shit had a different meaning to me. Romance was weakness. Fun was easy. Fucking was fun and there is no fun in keeping someone committed to me if I was hard to love.

I felt the vibration of a text from my tour manager requesting that I come inside as were supposed to get ready for the concert in 45 minutes.

Here's another update. Next chapter to come soon. -J