Hardest of Hearts (Lauren/you) ON HIATUS

Y/N

EDITED!
My head spun round and round with thoughts of her, thoughts of the drugs and the visions and the pain. All one painful concoction administered by myself. How do you fix yourself when it is yourself that is in the way of that solution? I wanted to call Lauren so many rimes while I was away? But that was just as good as drowning myself in the pacific ocean. She would have wanted nothing to do with me by now anyway. My mother had no idea that what she was telling me made no impact on me at all. I just wanted to escape everything, even myself if that was even possible.

My room was filled with the grotesque leftovers of forgotten nights and the wild ramblings, etched into the wall and the surface of broken glass and empty bottles . All night long the hunger for a new fix reappeared in my mind, but there was nothing that could make me get up from the bed. I lay on my dishevelled bed in a sweaty, stinky mess, the sheets stained with it. As I ran my hand on my stomach, the skin felt cold to the touch, my calloused fingers were no longer familiar with the strings of a guitar or the handle of a microphone. I didn't want to go back to life again after tonight. I just wanted to stay in this room for as long as I could even if that meant I would die here. The one fact that the world would not shut the fuck up if i was to completely fall off the grid is what kept me anchored to the fact that I would have to put on my mask again and go out and be the performer i had been destined for. The fucking cliche got stuck in my head and the anger and bile within began to rise up again. A constant cyclone ran rampant at the pit of my stomach as i looked at the vein like cracked paint run across the ceiling, 30 years worth of age finally showing up onto the ceiling that had witnessed so much chaos, lust, love and confusion and jest beneath it. I could hear the laughter that once echoed in this bedroom, Bell's golden eyes ran in my head again as i remembered the soft flecks of amber shine bright, accenting the creases beside her eyes that ran deep as her smile stretched across her face. The simple image brought tears to my eyes as I remembered the fact that I was the reason she had disappeared. I had knocked her up, drugged her up and made her go so crazy with my love and madness all she could want was to escape to the stars. I ran my hands roughly across that wretched tattoo across my chest, remembering the way I had been willing to let her burn me with cigarette. I wanted her to gouge my heart out with it. To bleed and cauterise me to death.

Lauren had touched it with infinite tenderness and I had thrown that away. The way she looked at me was the way i wanted to be looked at for the rest of my life. She was the only possibility of a life in this fucked up world. If only my father could see me now. A single photo my foster parents kept was the only reason I knew life had a way of being fucking confusing. I was the spitting image of a man that had killed himself and my mother. Ethan and I were too young to know what happened but I had always admired the fact that he did it. I wasn't mad nor was I sad. I had never yearned for that connection. What did it matter anyway? To know someone that was possibly the reason I was like this now. My upbringing was close to perfect, yet I had still managed to lay here fucked out of my mind at 3 am on a Monday night.

Morning came slow and all at once, a contradiction that i would never make sense of. The phone rang in the corner of the room or beneath the bed I had no idea. The fact that it managed to work after all I had done as a doomed hedonistic ass hole was beyond me. My bags were barely packed but i could give a damn. I stretched out on the bed, feeling my muscles scream in pain. I didn't flinch though. I looked towards the window and saw the sun call to me, beckoning me to bask in its light. I saw the slight reflection of myself in the broken mirror on the stand opposite of me. I was just a husk, scruffy hair, dry skin, perpetual stubble and skin that strained with the bones and neglected muscle that stretched it all around me. My regular complexion was non existent, something I knew the stylist would flip her shit about. The phone rung incessantly and it was beginning to piss me off to no end. I didn't hesitate to grab the expensive plastic and make the person on the other end pay for wanting to so desperately reach for my ears.

"Y/N?" my hooded eyes widened.