Hardest of Hearts (Lauren/you) ON HIATUS

Sorrow

A/N: song above to be played when prompted :')

At this point I didn't even know what there was anymore. My inner voices screamed at me to go after Lauren and beg for her forgiveness at whatever cost there was. But still, I stood against the wall willing myself to take a step forward. My whole being hurt at all the things I had done today. Ethan had done a good job of leaving my jaw in a sore state and my sides aching. While, the mere thought of having insulted Lauren and hurting her feelings hurt me more than any bruise I could endure. I walked out the exit instead, hoping the fresh air would give some solace for a few minutes. The world seemingly too bright for me where I had to pull out some sunglasses to keep up. Not even the fresh air could help me with how shit I was feeling inside. I felt extremely angry with myself for blaming Lauren for my tattered relationship with my brother. If that's what Ethan even considered me anymore.

Walking back into the backstage area, the atmosphere was extremely tense with the sound crew and tech guys working the usual routine. That gave me the only sign of normalcy except with the awkward looks I got now and then. I made my way towards my dressing room to grab a bottle of water from the mini fridge when I noticed that the whole band sat around discussing things.

"Hey..." I greeted them weakly before making my way to the fridge. I averted my eyes from their gaze feeling a lecture coming on.

"Don't hey me." Ethan first spoke up before I could even grab the bottle of water. I looked up at him and saw evident anger in his eyes. I noticed that the band had already dressed into performance attire while I still wore my shirt and shorts from before. The stench of weed still clinging onto my clothes.

"I'm sorry- "

"Sorry doesn't cut it, Y/N." Ethan interrupted before I could even get an apology out. I deserved it, "You've fucked everything up. Why? Because your dumb ass can't keep your cock in your pants for one second!" He raised his voice as he went on. I'm sure at this point I had set a record for the most lectures in a day. Three times a charm like they always say. I let him continue as I stared blankly into his eyes. Nothing I could say would ever fix anything anyway. He ran his hand through his hair as he began to run out of breath.

"Look man...I know I fucked up, trust me I do...I just...I never meant make this about some girl or the drugs." I was laying everything on the table for once, "This isn't about Bella for once ok. I just don't know how to handle things lately." I saw Ethan's eyes soften as he heard me out. I wasn't shouting back at him. I just needed us to reconcile things.

"Let's get this show done." Ethan walked towards his guitar picks on the table, hugged me with a few careful taps on my shoulder and walked out the dressing room. Sydney and Jonah smiled at me knowing that I had made the best step in fixing things.
"Let's do this man!" Jonah excitedly bounced in his place as took a swig from his flask before handing it to Sydney who laughed at Jonah's instant joy. I brought them both in for a hug before escorting us all out towards the stage.

I walked out to the screaming fans who awaited our performance.

Play this song [Bad Habit- The Kooks]

Baby got our head down
Baby got our head down to the ground
Looking for a stranger
Looking for a stranger to love
You got to dot your I's and cross your t's
You gotta let go, come with me
Looking for a stranger
Looking for a stranger to love

You say you want it, but
You can't get it in
You got yourself a bad habit for it
Oh look at you, walking up and down a pole
A saying please save me,
You say you want it, but
You can't get it in
You got yourself a bad habit for it
Oh look at you, walking up and down a pole
A saying please,
Oh man, oh man, oh man
You know I wish I had it all

Baby got our head down
Baby trying to stand down in the crowd
Looking for a stranger
Looking for a stranger to love
You got to dot your I's and cross your t's
You gotta let go, come with me
Looking for a stranger
Looking for a stranger to love

You say you want it, but
You can't get it in
You got yourself a bad habit for it
Oh look at you, walking up and down a pole
A saying please save me,
You say you want it, but
You can't get it in
You got yourself a bad habit for it
Oh look at you, walking up and down a pole
A saying please,
Oh man, oh man, oh man
You know I wish I had it all

You know I wish I had it all

You say you want it, but
You can't get it in
You got yourself a bad habit for it
Oh look at you, walking up and down a pole
A saying please,
Oh man, oh man, oh man

You can't get it, it's a
A bad habit, such a
A bad habit such a bad bad habit
It's a, a bad habit...

I watched as the crowd screamed and shouted in a fit of ecstasy. The high had come from this last song. I bowed before them as my band and I walked off with our instruments. The headlining girls were about to go on and that was our cue to settle down and enjoy the show from the side of the stage.

Lauren didn't even bother giving me her attention as she focused on straightening out her costume. I felt a pain in my chest as I watched her walk away from me. Dinah and Normani gave me disappointed looks as they walked by me, while Ally lightly touched my arm seeing as she wanted to remain neutral in this situation I had created. Sydney pushed passed me to get to Camila giving her a passionate kiss before wishing her luck tonight. The way that they looked to each other only increased my sadness ten-fold knowing that I never appreciated Lauren. She deserved more than me. I never should have let myself be so selfish with her.

When their show ended the stadium was completely ecstatic, enthralled in the magnificence that was Fifth Harmony. Lauren had broken down singing 'No Way' and that's when my inner sorrow began to consume me completely knowing that I was the cause of the pain she felt. Every nerve ending in my body wanted to run on stage and show her that I would make everything ok again. But this was the sign I needed to know that I shouldn't put her through this anymore.

I walked off to the dressing rooms to collect my stuff, put them in order and wait for my band to join me as we were to prepare for the last venue we would play at for this leg of the tour. As I picked up my journal I found a note within it. Lauren's beautiful cursive decorating it. I hadn't written in my journal for few days so I guess this note had been put in about a week ago.

"Dear, Y/N
You own the sorrow of my body,
Thus when you solace me in my desire I held your body and lay beside it sleeping, feeling the pain of your own inward fire, weeping for your silent weeping, for I am yours as you are mine, thus I shall shelter your desire in the warmth of my arms till the stars burn low and the tide no longer rises. I love you..."

I felt broken as my tears began to escape onto the parchment. My hands held it, trembling as my body slumped. My eyes fixated on her words. 'Solace me in my desire'. I felt like twice the piece of shit that I felt I was before.

"Hey dude! We gotta get moving." Jonah barged into the room oblivious to my seeping sadness.

I hastily wiped my tears on my shirt before gathering my bags again, "Yeah I'm ready."

Jonah didn't notice me as he scrambled to grab his things too.

I walked down the hall with him, the parchment firm in my pocket. I watched as the 5h girls also made their way towards their bus. I watched Lauren and the way she gave empty smiles to the jokes Camila made. Sydney next to Camila holding her hand firmly in her grasp.

I wanted nothing more than for this day to be over...