Hardest of Hearts (Lauren/you) ON HIATUS

Insane

Sitting here on the edge of the balcony, I wondered to the days that I would gladly give my life for someone else. Nothing else mattered and I was completely insane. She told me that I had made her go insane and the funny thing is that I didn't think there was anything wrong with that. Until, of course, she decided to leave me after the shit I had done. There was no such thing as an articulate thought in my mind. The thought of her was all consuming and hard to fight. The morning sun that had beaten down on my tired face caused my eyes to struggle to see anything. I made my way back into the dimly lit hotel room where Lauren still lay, peacefully slumbering on the bed. I watched her chest rise and fall slowly and wondered what I had done that had kept her still tethered to me despite the fact that she knew that didn't want to her to get close to me. When I bent down to retrieve a clean shirt from my suitcase last night's activities resonated in the dull ache in my torso from the exertion of pleasure.

As I made my way to close the doors leading to the balcony a heard a voice behind me.

"Morning," there Lauren sat against the headboard of my bed with her hair lying in a beautiful mess upon her shoulders. Her gleamed in the morning light. The brightness that exulted purity and calmness. Her green eyes were beginning to be my most favourite physical feature no matter how fuckin cliché that sounds.

"Hey there sleepyhead," I made my way towards her where I sat on the edge of the bed. She was wrapped comfortably in the sheets as she suddenly became shy of her nakedness, this was pretty unfamiliar ground for us as there was rarely an awkward morning after moment between me and her. I remember when she'd walk around my hotel room, naked, confidently teasing me with her curves until temptation gave in and I left her in a shaking mess on the floor of the room.

"Umm y/n I'm sorry for last night...." Lauren's voice trailed behind me as she walked by to look for the clothes she wore last night. I felt bad that she felt the need to say sorry.

Last night was different. She didn't fuck me like she wanted me with pure lusy. It was like she needed me. Like I was the air she breathed.  I admired her soft features and saw nothing but purity and love upon the her face. It almost hurt to think that I was willing to push her away for something I did a long time ago. I immediately pushed that thought away to get dressed.
"Don't be sorry, you didn't do anything wrong Lauren," I was being as sincere as I could because deep down I wasn't sorry for what had happened.
"Oh ok...I just didn't want to scare you off again, I know how we've been trying to keep things cooled off for a bit." She looked a little nervous saying this but it didn't resonate in the confidence of her voice. Lauren had always been good at holding her own when possible.

"Why'd you leave me sleeping alone?" Lauren looked into my eyes waiting for an answer that I didn't know how to deliver. I tried looking anywhere else but at her. I couldn't tell her that I didn't lie next to her because I was afraid of telling her the words she wanted to hear. "I don't know..." she stares me down with an even more serious face, moving hastily to gather herself from my bed. I didn't want her to leave.

"I don't even know why I even bothered last night..." she said this more to herself than at me as she moved to get dressed before I could properly react to her change of demeanour. My heart began to palpitate wildly at the thought that she was going to finally give up on me.

'No, Y/N don't be like this you've been the one pushing her away' my inner voice tried to get me to see that my fear at the prospect of losing her complete affection was a ridiculous thing.

Before she could move out the door I hastily moved to place my hand above it to stop it from opening. "Y/N?! let me out." Her tone was completely terrifying; I had never heard her voice laced with so much venom. "No."

"What?" I could tell that she wasn't going to have any of my bullshit but I didn't care.

"Don't go." tears started to run down my face as my gut wrenched and the room suddenly became distorted. The only thing I could focus on was her, no matter how furious her face seemed with brows creased tightly together and a slight tinge of red colouring her cheeks. Her breath was deep as she struggled to keep herself in check.

"Y/N, I'm not doing this again ok, I should've known that it was not a good idea to force myself on you- "

"I'm the one at fault Lauren not you," I rested my forehead gently onto hers as my force on the door was starting to falter. I began to sob as embarrassment began to fill my head at knowing that she was potentially the next victim of my fucked up breakdowns. I could feel her hand softly stroke the side of my face. "I don't want you to leave me, please..." my voice sounded so pathetic that I even wanted to cringe at it.

"Y/N, please let me help you," the soft, velvety sound her voice had instantly registered in my head. I moved my head back a bit to angrily wipe the tears off of my face. "I'm sorry, I don't know what's wrong with me,"

"Y/N there's nothing wrong with you ok, I love you ok and as much as you hate to hear me admit it, I do, I'm not going anywhere," I didn't deserve to hear her say this at all. My heart ached to be close to her again, to feel her warmth, her light and love. The pounding that began in my head started to lessen as her hand continued to stroke my face. I let my hand fall from the door as I let my arms envelope her in a tight embrace.

"I can't stay away from you anymore..." I let my voice trail into the softness of her neck. Her voice hitched at the close proximity of my lips and the slight confession I had made. It was true though, I don't think that after last night that I could find the strength to stay away from her anymore. Seeing the utter sadness in her eyes because of me completely broke me. I couldn't stand the fact that she couldn't sleep because I couldn't give her what she wanted.  I could stand it. I couldn't stand the fact that I was willingly pushing her away from me either. The utter nonsense of it had remained scribbled in the tattered book responsible for all this.

"What do you mean?" Lauren spoke after a few silent minutes, she was curious.

"I can't bear the thought of not being near you," it was really difficult for me to say it but it was true, "and with what happened last night I don't think you can either," she looked down for a brief second almost trying to comprehend what I was trying to say.

"what do you want Y/N?" I knew I had given her so many fucken mixed signals that it was almost giving her whiplash to these kind of moments but she's making me go insane.

"You."

After it was over I had remained in close proximity where I spoke the words that may have been my downfall .