Hardest of Hearts (Lauren/you) ON HIATUS

Fear

She looked at me with pure concern in her eyes and in that moment I knew that her love was genuine. It hurt because I couldn't give her what she wanted. I can't be what she needs. The last person who believed I could give them what they deserved was the same person I fucked up. I don't want that ft Lauren. She was the most iridescent person I'd ever met that I knew that in comparison all I was was the dark night sky. She was awaiting my answer. My throat felt dry and parched with a hint of the sweetness of the donuts I had ingested not long ago. The drug in my veins lost its effects fairly quickly and I could feel my whole mindstate  come crashing back to earth. I couldn't take my eyes off of Lauren as much as I wanted to. The golden specks splayed around her now dark emerald eyes dragged me in, captivating me. I had been told in the past that I had the 'most beautiful blue eyes ever' but now that I stand here before Lauren in a nervous mess all those opinions are dust compared to her eyes.
"Everything hurts Lauren. It hurts to know that you love me. It hurts because I-I know that despite all these years I'm still the reason that the first girl I held broke. I hate that it hurts. I hate that I'm angry at everything at the same time..." All my thoughts spilled off my lips in waves, uncontrollable and fragile. The ecstasy I had felt earlier was redundant in comparison with this moment. I noticed that I had taken a step closer to Lauren. She could probably feel the strong palpitation of my heart resonate within my chest as every word hung in the air like thick smoke. Her eyes softened. I never believed in the bullshit people said about how the eyes were the window to the soul, but now as I stare into Lauren's her kind soul was so obvious that it radiates off her entire being. "Y/N...I don't know what to say. I know how hard it is to let go of the past. I know that you blame yourself for past actions and that it kills you. I love you y/N, as hard as it is to hear that. Just please don't shut me out..." Her voice cracked as her pleasing tone became evident. I let my vision wander to the empty hallway that we were in and I looked to the wall where there was still visible remnants of a fading paint job. My mind was in a constant battle, urging me to leave, to end this, to let it all go. But the other part of me knew this had to happen. "What are you doing to me Lauren," I reach up to tenderly caress the soft skin of her cheek, "I don't deserve you at all. I didn't deserve those endless conversations on anything and everything. I didn't deserve to use you..."
She looked at me with tenderness that made me lose my breath. "You think you don't deserve me Y/N but your eyes tell all."
Everything being said frightened me so much I just wanted it to stop. "Lauren why did you let my brother kiss you?" My sudden question caught her off guard as I hung my head remembering what I saw.
"I don't know Y/N..." Her unsure news left me unsteady. How could she not be sure? Surely I wasn't imagining the complete air of comfort and relief when I saw them. This caused a new feeling to arise within me. A burning sensation ran up my neck. "How could you not be sure Lauren? He's my fucking brother. I saw you fall completely into that kiss."  I knew there was frustration within my confrontation. The walls were slowly returning brick by brick. "Why are you so random Y/N? This isn't about your brother and you know it. Yes I did let him kiss me and yea at the time I wanted it. So what? You pretty much broke my heart back at the hotel. Or don't you remember what you said to me?" Oh she wanted  it this way huh?
"Of course I remember what I said Lauren and you know what that doesn't even matter anymore. I'm scared Lauren. You have fucking idea what you're doing to me." I didn't like the way this was turning out to be but fuck it if she ended up hating me I'd rather prefer that. "Tell me. What are you scared of?" She advanced closer toward me until our noses were almost touching, the scent of her strawberry shampoo and sweet perfume hit my nose straight away, intoxicating me.  She looked at my face up and down, frustrated and desperate to hear what I had to say. I couldn't think. Her close proximity and added confidence and fury caught me off guard. The girl with the chill vibes had a feisty side to her that I'd never seen before. Her lips looked plumped and moist. I could help but move my gaze to admire her features. "I don't know..." I let my words linger on my tongue. Before she could answer I moved my head that extra inch it would take for our lips to meet. The initial feeling was pure heaven. Her lips were so soft. She responded immediately with more intensity than myself as I encircled my arms around her back. Her arms had found their way at the back of my neck, trapping me. Before the kiss deepened I pulled back to then leave a lingering last kiss on her bottom lip, smoothly dragging my lips down upon her own. Her eyes remained closed that extra second afterwards. Our breathing was intertwined. Ragged and relieved. She had to know that this was the last one. My kind was made up. Fear had taken over and the walls had been completed rebuilt. My heart fought with my mind. It scratched and gnawed at the walls. But alas I couldn't and wouldn't let that happen. This slip was getting too intense. I need to reevaluate myself before I let her have me. I removed my arms from her body taking a step back to leave a small kiss upon her forehead. "Come to me when you need me." She got the message. Lauren had always been intelligent that way. A pain in my chest made itself present at hearing this. She walked away first , heading to the dressing room where my friends were. I stood against the hallway wall, exhaling a pained sigh. "You look like your having a bad day..." I didn't notice that Camila had exited the dressing room not long after Lauren entered. "Yeah I guess you could say that..." I more or less said this to myself. "I'm not going to ask why but what I am goin to ask is if Sydney was single?" Huh this girl was definitely something. I offered her my arm putting on my casual facade smile on hand. "That's a good question with a good answer," she took my arm and followed me outside where I needed to go for that much needed cigarette before the show.

Next chapter up here sooner than I expected for all you lovely ppl who have showed enhanced interest for this train wreck of a story. I've already written the next chapter and might post later in a day or two depending on what you guys feel about this one. It's getting more interesting  in a slow snail paced way but don't fret, like they say patience is a virtue ;p - J