Was it All an Accident? (A Harry Styles Fan Fiction, Book Three)

Part Thirty-Two: How Could I Have Been So Stupid?

(Harry’s POV)

“Mom?” I sobbed into the phone. Her soothing voice was trying to help calm me down, but nothing she said would ever work. The only one that could calm me down was her. And she’s not in any condition to do so. I can’t see her. She’s in the other room. They’re going to fly her out and back into the States. I’m going to be there with her, but she’ll be in the same condition. I couldn’t stop the pain from spreading out and taking over my entire body and soul.

            “Harry, honey, everything is going to be okay…” Why did people keep saying that?

            “Mom? You d-don’t understand,” I kept sobbing. “B-Before she, “more heart-wrenching sobs, “passed out, we h-had a huge f-fight.”

            “Harry, she wouldn’t ever hate you.” I know she’s trying, but it’s not helping. There’s all this pain and regret and how much I hate what I said right before she passed out. I’m just glad she’s still breathing. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if things ended that horribly. At least now, I hope, I’ll get the chance to apologize and make things right again. “Nothing you said matters, and she knows that.” Well, not right now, obviously. “When she wakes back up, you’ll have plenty of time to apologize and make things right.”

            “You don’t understand! It’s my fault! I was too busy being mad and angry that I let her go too long without any of her medicine! It was me! She didn’t even speak up to tell me about the pain! She just let me go on yelling at her! I yelled at her!” I was feeling all the life and hope drift out of me. “I yelled at her. I hate yelling at her. She hates being yelled at. It’s all my fault.”

            “It’s nobody’s fault, honey. I’m sure she wouldn’t blame you. And she most definitely doesn’t hate you.”

            “How could you possibly know that?”

            “Because I do. Trust me, okay? When she wakes up, she’s going to love you the same as she did before.”

            “But do I deserve her love?”

            “What are you going on about?” I can see her shaking her head. “Harry, you’re a good son, you’re a good man, and you’re perfect for Whytnie. You’re exactly what she needs. You’re going to have to be strong, especially now. She needs you to be strong. She needs you, more than she lets on, I can assure you.”

            “Mom…?”

            “Harry, I’ll be there soon, but there’s only so many times I can repeat myself. You’re just going to have to take my word right now.”

            “I love you.”

            “I love you, too.”

            After the call ended, I dreaded what was to come. Here I was, standing here alone. I needed my stuff packed so that we could go back to the States. When she wakes up, she’s going to need me to be strong. I need to be strong. I need to stop breaking down at the drop of a feather. I know what I did was wrong. I know what I said was wrong. I shouldn’t have yelled at her. I shouldn’t have let my anger overcome me. I shouldn’t have let her go on without her medicine. I SHOULDN’T HAVE DONE THAT!

            What’s wrong with me?

            Oh, so much.

            How could I let that happen?

            My mistakes will be the death of me, I swear.

            Will she forgive me? Do I deserve her forgiveness?

            No, I don’t.

            I was worthless to her. She needs someone there that will take care of her, provide for her, not let their anger get in the way for her, and someone that deserves her. It’s killing me.

            How could I have been so stupid!?!

            How could I have just stood there and watched it happen?

            WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME!?!

            Why does she even love me? Who would love me? I stand by and let my love ones crumble and crack until there’s nothing left!

            Why would anyone love me!?

            “Mr. Styles?” The voice makes me jump five feet in the air, but I’m quick to recover. He waits patiently for my heartbeat to return to normal before continuing in French. “She’s awake.” I can’t even explain how much relief went straight through me. My knees shook and I crumbled down to the floor, overtaken by violent sobs. “We’re going to need to move her now.” My eyes shoot straight up to look the doctor in the eye. “Immediately. We’ve got a chopper ready.”

            Our stuff isn’t even packed yet. But I can’t let her go by herself.

            “I’m ready,” I reply back in French.

            Was I ready?

            Ready for what?

            To take on the world?

            To prepare myself for the end?

            To watch the love of my life die?

            Was I ready?

            No.

            I really wasn’t.

            I just hope she’ll accept my apology. I know I wouldn’t.

            I don’t deserve her.

            How could I have been so foolish? So stupid? How could I have let this happen? She relied on me to keep her safe and to make sure she took her medicine. And I couldn’t even do that.