Was it All an Accident? (A Harry Styles Fan Fiction, Book Three)

Part Thirty-Four: This Couldn't Be Happening!

(Harry’s POV)

Fear floods through me like my own adrenaline. My whole body wants to keep moving, I can’t remain still. People all around me give me looks, but none of them have any idea what’s going through my head right now. They don’t know me! They don’t know what I’m feeling! They don’t know what kind of pain I’m in! THEY DON’T KNOW! They don’t know why I’m pacing back and forth. They don’t know how scared and frightened I really am inside. They don’t understand that I have to see her again! They don’t know how badly I want to apologize and make everything okay again! They don’t feel my pain and my regret! They don’t know that it’s all my fault! They don’t know! They don’t know! They don’t know. They just don’t know…

            And suddenly, I can no longer hold myself up. My body falls to the floor, but I don’t feel anything. Numbness starts washing over me as my body no longer fights it off.

            But I don’t faint or pass out. My eyesight is blurry from my sobbing, but I am fine. I have to be fine. Whytnie could wake up at any moment and I need to be there. They need to let me in to see her! I have to get in there!

            Taking control over my own body, pushing the numbness away, I pick myself up on legs that don’t want to walk and arms that don’t want to hold me up. I feel like my body doesn’t belong to me and it doesn’t want to cooperate under my control. It’s fighting back. I don’t let it win. I can’t. I have to be strong. I have to get to her. I have to see her.

            If she still wants to see me.

            She does, right?

            Why? Why would she want to see me? I’m the reason why she’s in this situation. It’s all my fault! IT’S ALL MY FAULT!

            I did this to her.

            Why am I still here? She wouldn’t want to see me ever again. I DID THIS TO HER! She hates me.

            I DID THIS TO HER!

            The words repeat and echo inside of me, making me shake all over.

            THIS IS YOUR FAULT!

            And suddenly, I see her inside of my head. She’s attempting her Na’vi accent. “This is your fault! They did not need to die. You’re like a baby, making noise, don’t know what to do.”

            Sadness floods through me, making it harder for me to stand. All this pain, all this regret, all of that isn’t preparing me for what’s to come. I need to be strong. She needs me to be strong. I need to be strong for her. Suck it up, you big baby! How is this going to help her? If you start crying at the drop of a hat? How is that going to help her? You can’t help her! Not if you’re weak!

            And I was so weak.

            NOT ANYMORE! Get a hold of yourself! You can do this! You’re strong. She needs you, Harry. SHE NEEDS YOU! Be strong.

            Taking a deep breath, I get back to my feet and keep going on. I’m strong. I’m strong. I’m strong. I’m not weak. I’m not weak. I’m not weak. I’m strong. I’m strong. I’m strong.

            I had myself under control when I finally reached her room. Except she had guards outside of her room. Her parents were already standing there, trying to fight their way in. Her father’s voice was raised as he cussed and yelled at the doctors standing outside her room. They kept telling him over and over how she wasn’t ready to see people. She was too weak. She isn’t well. She can’t handle visitors right now. She isn’t stable. And then my voice joined her father’s. We demanded answers not excuses. Our voices were so loud now, they were threatening to kick us out. But that didn’t stop us, we were fighting. Caleb joined the scene, and soon Emily followed.

            A couple of times the doctor inside Whytnie’s room walked out to fetch her some water. She didn’t open the door wide enough for any of us to see inside. Every. Single. Time. Who is this? That wasn’t even her doctor! What is going on? Her new bodyguards are telling us nothing! We need answers, and we need them now!

            But our voices were drowned out when another scream echoed through the hallway. It was from the doctor inside Whytnie’s room. Something was happening. And then the doctors outside couldn’t hold us back. We all rushed in, and my stomach dropped when I got to finally see Whytnie again. She didn’t look well. Still beautiful, though. This illness wasn’t going to take that away from her.

            “What the hell is going on?” her father demanded, pushing past the other doctor trying to get through. Whytnie’s heartbeat was dying down.

            “We’re losing her!” Those three words hit me hard like I’d been shot.

            I found my voice and yelled through the tears. “I thought you said it was going to kill her slowly!”

            NO! This couldn’t be happening! NOT YET! NOT EVER! I’m not ready for this! I didn’t even get the chance to say goodbye. To apologize for what I’d done earlier! I did this! I killed her! I allowed this to happen! I didn’t give her her medicine in time! THIS IS ALL MY FAULT!

            “It seems we have been mistaken.” The doctor’s voice is calm, trying to soothe everyone around him. He was failing miserably. Her father broke down and was trying to bring Whytnie back by just touching her arm. Her mother was on the other side, trying to do the same. We were all a mess. AND THIS COULDN’T BE HAPPENING!

            “No, the disease is starting to take over and there is nothing I can do about it.” He pushes his glasses up and sighs. “Not here, at least.” And then there was a lot more talking and yelling, but none of the words registered in my mind. I seemed to have a hard time fighting to stay upright again. My eyes were drooping quickly and I felt like it was a perfect time to fall down and stay there. Forever. I couldn’t even remember what I was supposed to be doing. I couldn’t even remember where I was at anymore. All I knew was that I was tired and it was time to get some sleep. And I didn’t fight the darkness that spread through me.