Tainted Redemption

Chapter eight

Song of the chapter: One direction - Same Mistakes (I'm such an Ot5 trash.)

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Don't hate me. :/

***

He really said it... just like that when I'm even scared to think about it. His angry expression sobers to a lighter one. He waits but I stood frozen and couldn't understand it while I'm holding eye-contact unfaltering.

His answer fits to everything I was trying to make sense of... but I knew better than to believe it.

It has to be just another one of his lies to get what he wants.

I've zoned out and only get back to now when he touches my hands, enveloping mine in his larger ones and I jump up slightly as he holds them just inbetween us running his thumbs on the back of my hands. My eyes that have been staring at nothing particular meet his caramel gentle ones again. He apprehands that I hadn't forseen that.

He licked his lips, "I love you, Liv." he repeats with determation as if I didn't hear him shouting it just a few seconds ago, now he is calm and sighed like a weight is off from him. My heart flutters so badly, my chest feels disolved and light.

It's everything I would have wanted in another life...but right now. Right now all my senses are on how this wasn't supposed to be said, much less in this way, in an argument, which sort of was his way to shut me up. Even if it gives me hope of something I shouldn't be waiting for. Because here we are looking back at things that no longer exist... that didn't stop him to use the words against me.

Even if I can see that he's being honest, my mind doesn't want to think of it as true. And I was getting mad and hurt by this because this shadows over how honest my feelings for him are...

Because when you love someone you don't accuse them, you don't degrade them and don't call them names when something isn't going your way or when your insecurities don't let you see out of the jealousy... You simply don't do that. You think about them first, put them before your hurt and consider their pain, do anything to not lose them and do everything with them in the back of your mind, sometimes it means you will selflessly let them move on just so your dearly beloved is happy...

I know that I wasn't being fair because those should apply to me too...but if Zayn had known how to cherish me, hold me and fight for me, I would have given him the world, I'd done anything to see him happy, I'd put him first.

As of now, we're not together. We won't be together because I can't just trust his word for it and too many things happened that would take forever to forgive. When did he apparently fell for me? When he trampled on my bloody feelings and made me leave? And I can't ignore everything else just because of this. Also what I have put out of this equation is my mum and dad... What would they say?

They'd be devestated to know I'm doing this behind their back. He's the essence of arising problems I shouldn't face.

Lastly I say something, "Love?" I questioned disbelieving, "What do you know about love?" My tone of voice is dry but gentle, his eyes get rounder which means I'm hurting him.

He shakily exhaled, "I answered you, babe. Now you know why I'm here," he begins, voice leaking with tender emotions, "I'm not awaiting for you to believe me, to want me, or retort it. Just know this is the realest thing I've ever felt, that even you wouldn't understand if I were to explain it to you. If I'm honest, I'd run out of words...they wouldn't be enough." he quietly murmurs. Has he forgotten how he snapped at me a minute ago? The second he remembers I'm supposedly with someone else, he'll take it back and mock me for thinking it's the truth.