Tainted Redemption

Chapter seventeen

Unbending emotional pain is what I have. I thought I'd calm once I got home, soaked with rain water. I don't even know how I made it to here.

Emptiness at its worst. I sense nothing but my memories.

How will I recover from that? How does one forget their first love?

For me it seems impossible... I wouldn't let go even if I'd tell myself it's time to... I just couldn't and didn't want to when he's my happiness, and I want to be his as well, take care of him. This time without turning back or circles...

The warm living room is a light comfort to the freezing cold I'm feeling inside.

I'm alert and jumpy, just standing rooted on one spot. The icky feeling from the droplets of water trailing down my body from my clothes, erupting a shiver on my skin every once in a while. But that isn't what concerns me right now...

I just lost him. It hits me harshly, like a slap delivered against my face whilst I'm at my lowest.

Once you know there's nothing left from a relationship, be it a romantic or friendly one, you still see it all in your head. Mine is incidentally the worst one. It won't disappear ever. Not when you're someone like me who feels everything so intensely...

You remember their warmness, the feeling of their skin just under your fingertips, their smell etched on your own, engraved in your memory, the sound of their laugh, anger and sadness that are entwined by their facial expressions and what you feel yourself upon being the cause of that, every lifting plane shape, line of their face, the feeling once you get their comfort, being in their arms that showcases being protected, wanted, loved, the way their hand fits on yours like their made just for you, the taste that their lips allow that you know won't ever be found on someone else, the excitement upon the act of kissing, the passion and sensual driving one gets when you're touching the other to make them feel lust, love all mixed in one, then the raw, sometimes mellow or dirty yet addicting and pure act of making love, giving them your all by trusting them on your vulnerable state... small personality traits that you caught on and love about them. His voice which has the power to have me yield for him...Just his presence over all.

And now that's all gone. Vanished so easily.

I hadn't valued what I had or maybe I took it for granted just like he had.

That precisely will be my ending...that it could've been mine still.

"Liv?" My mum questions worriedly, I blink, swiveling my head her way.

She was leaning on the door frame, looking sleepy until she noticed my attire, face constricting to concern.

She quickly strides to me, but I shake my head, "I was at the shop and it began to rain-"

"You've been at the shop for hours?" she mused hotly as she cut me off, her squinted eyes held a disbelieving stare.

My lip quivers, "Mum..." I plead.

"No. Liv, what is happening? You're disappearing for hours while I'm left worried home. Recently that's all you do." she retorts, "Look at what state you are in... This is how you come home, dejected after I had no idea where you were." her voice rose a few octaves, "If it's because of him then tell me. I will be here for you. I will listen but don't go doing this to yourself."

"But if I do tell you you'll be sure to sent me to the psychologist which I don't want. She helped me function with tasks I had no motivation to do but that was it. She can't help me with my feelings." I counter sharply, she sighs and then I take note how my eyes sting with unshed tears again, "I don't want to talk, it won't change anything..."