Tainted Redemption

Chapter thirty-three

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I had sat down the bench on my window, I couldn't look at him, and we've been too silent, it drags on until I can't help but think he's not knowing what to say. Furthermore, I become aware he's unhappy.

"I didn't want you to find out in that way." I was the one to break the silence, voice soft. If he doesn't want us I had to know now.

His palms rubbed on his face when I dare a look at him since he didn't reply.

"When did you know?" he finally says, tone deep. One his hand now cupping his neck, the other tucked in his jeans. Head slightly tilted down, his gleaming eyes are accusatory, as if this was my fault, well somewhat it was, but it is just as much his blame.

I took a scattered breath, avoiding his upset expression, "After we separated." I respond truthfully.

He's nervous, "That's what you wanted to tell me when you came to see me?"

I nod solemnly, "Yeah."

Then he's pacing, lost in his rumination, the hope I had of him accepting it faded.

"The signs were there..." he mumbles to himself, I continued to peer at him sadly. "I can't believe it...it's too much." he suddenly looks at me with that pain stricken expression, like I should have an answer when I was the one carrying the small bean. I had it harder than him.

The look he gives me has my palms move to my stomach protectively, he wistfully gazed to the side. It made my chest twist from how he doesn't want it to be true... I could tell by the way he's very close to tears, if he could I'd be sure he would be crying...it makes me upset too.

Since I know what he's hinting on, "So what should I do...you want me to have an abortion?" I feebly asked, he looks to the ground, "You still have to say it." Not that I ever would have one.. I'd move to another country and leave him alone.

"No." he shook his head quickly, "I don't know what to do, I'm not ready."

How can he say that? He's heartless.

"If you're not ready now, while you're twenty-three, when will you be? When will you grow up?" I harshly uttered, I sound so tired. This conversation is so unexpected, the events different from what I was thinking they would be. "I'm not ready either, but you don't see me complaining. I'm willing to own up my responsibility when I'm only nineteen." I countered pitilessly, he will have to hear what he knows but wants to hide behind excuses from me, "The baby has no fault, it's innocent...don't you even dare say my little bean is too much." I defensively protect my baby, "You can leave," I calmly said, my face falls defeatedly, "you don't even have to accept this, I only told you because you had to know." I sighed, gazing at him purposely.

He licked his lips unsure, "I can't leave...this will change my life, it will forever be there. Maybe we should look at the other options-" I'm fed up of hearing how this will affect him.

"I won't give my baby away, are you insane?" Disbelief framing my face. I immediately shut that down. I won't carry my baby nine months then give it away, I'd rather die.

His face constricts, "That's not what I said you should do... I'm feeling trapped... I don't know." Again the 'I don't know'.

I gape once the words he said clawed in my head, his eyes get wide.

"I wasn't... It came out wrong. Liv, I didn't want to say that." he quickly back paddles.

"We both forgot... Do you seriously think I'd do that?" I feebly question, sounding breathless. "Just because I think that the little bean is not to be blamed, doesn't mean I duped and set you up, if you don't remember it, the night we got together you were the one that didn't have preservatives and couldn't wait." I defend myself, inhaling and exhaling quickly, looking around the place while I felt myself get hysterical.