S/HE

911

Since freaking Liam ruined my chance with Jason, I'm going to kill him. Wait, is that illegal? I'm going to check by calling 911.

"Hello, is this 911?" I asked.

"Yes, yes it is" a guy answered.

"Oh, umm. Is killing illegal?"

"Yes, yes it is"

"Ugh why? Like you guys kill people"

"But it's our job"

"Then can you hire me so I can do it too"

"Why are you asking me this? Did you kill someone?"

"No. Not yet. Hey, can you arrest someone for me?"

"What did he do?"

"Ok so, me and this guy have a long distance relationship thing but we're not really in a relationship. But there was this time that he was going to have phone sex with me. But then, he didn't really called me. Then, he invited me to go to this gay club with all those gay strippers in it trying to get my dad's dick. But then..." before I could finish, the phone was cut off.

"Hello. Hello. Wow, so rude!" I called them back.

"Hello, is this 911"

"Yes, yes it is"

"Ok, you bitch! I was explaining right here and you cut me off, you slut. You are fucking rude!"

"Excuse me, ma'am but I don't know what you're talking about!"

"Just watch me! I'm going to apply for the job and when I get it, I'll kill Liam and you're next!"

I dropped the phone and ten seconds later, there were police cars in front of my house. I thought there was a criminal or something so, I ran out just wearing my underwear. But then, when I got outside, the police took my hands like I was getting arrested.

"You are getting arrested!" the police guy said.

"Wait why??" I'm crying.

"Because you threatened to kill two people and use foul language with an officer"

"But I didn't kill anybody, I was planning to(I whispered), But I didn't kill anybody!"

"You admitted it!"

"What?! No, wait. This because I was talking to my teddy bears and I said that you have a small penis but I didn't mean it. Even though it's true. But I didn't mean it!"

"That's it you're going downtown!"

"Wait, isn't the police station uptown?"
"Yeah, but we just like to say downtown!"

As they were trying to put me in the car, I kicked the police guy's nuts and tried to escape. But when I kicked him, it didn't hurt.

"I knew it. I was right. You do have a small penis cause' I didn't even hurt you!!!!!" I ran.

"Get back here!"

"Dads help me. Use your gay powers to stop them"

"What?" my dads asked.

"I mean suck their dicks or something. I don't know seduce them with your gayness" I said.

It didn't really worked. They still got me.

"Come on, Please. I'll let you play Kiss, Suck, Swallow. Or I could trade you with my BBC. Just let me go" I screamed.

"We don't want that disgusting game or your dumb BBC" the police guy said.

"Ok then, I'll give you SAC (Small Asian Cock) or MMC (Medium Mexican Cock)"

"NO!!!! Just shut up and get in the car"

"Oh, now you're giving me penis metaphors! Oh, I see, you want my virginity!! AHHHH Help me. These are not cops. They're undercover strippers!!!!!!!"

"That it!!!! You're going inside"

"Inside of his dick!! Help me!!! Let go of me strippers"

"We're not strippers!!"

"Oh yeah, then why do you guys have stripper clothes inside your car?"

"They're for game night!"

"What the fuck is that game? Help MEEEE!!!!!"

"Fine, we're not cops just shut the fuck up"

"What the fuck, I'm not going to shut up! HELP!!!!!!!!"

"We're not going to hurt you!"

"I know, you're just going to fuck me! HELP!!!!!! Is anybody seeing this right now like what the fuck people, you're all dumb blind dicks!"

"We're not even into girls! Like even if we are, you're too flat for us!"

"Then why are you kidnapping me. And I'm doing squats so calm the fuck down!"

"We're here for Liam and we're just taking you as bait!"

"Oh, are you going to kill him? Cause if you are go ahead, kidnap me" I asked, excited.

"We're not going to kill him"

"Oh, are you going to push him off a cliff"

"No"

"Sell his meat"

"No"

"Feed him to sharks"

"No"

"Snakes?"

"NO"

"Alligators?"
"NO! Man, you hate your brother so much!"
"What do you mean? What makes you think that? Was it the kill thing?"
"And the meat, sharks, snakes, alligators"

"So, what are you going to do with him?"
"We're throwing him a surprise party!"

"Then why are you kidnapping me"

"Because he likes you getting hurt and if he thinks that we kidnap you and send him the address, he'll come..."

"To save me?"

"No, to watch and laugh!"

"Ugh, fuck Liam!"

"How did you forget your brother's birthday?!"

"Cause' he forget that I can be the only one to suck Jason's dick!"

"He sucked Jason's dick?"

"No. Whatever, just kidnap me cause' this is my birthday present. I forgot to buy him anything"

"Is it just that? Or you're broke?"
"Fine, I am"

"We have an opening"

"Oh no. I'm not gonna be a stripper"

"What's wrong with being a stripper?"

"I like you guys and I have nothing against you but you're disgusting, embarrassing and the worst thing humans could be like. Except for gays. Oh wait, you guys are gays?" saying it in a nice tone.
"Yes!"

"I meant all that in a nice way"

"What's the bad way?"

"The same thing except in an angrier tone"

We went to the birthday party and surprise Liam. He was so happy. Especially for the kidnapping part. He was super happy that it makes me sick. Now I wish there's an opening for the police job. Cause' now, I'm stuck with being a stripper.

Note: I really really hate you Liam. Not as much as I hate myself cause' now I'm a stripper. They better pay me good money.