#life

Momentum!!!

SQUEEEEEEEE!!!!!

So THRILLED at our INTERNATIONAL SUCCESS!!!!! Super-duper exciting to wake up to that kind of news -- my phone kept pinging at me all night but I didn't bother to get up to check it, but it was a bunch of my BESTIES texting me about the ULTRA-AWESOMENESS that is #life!!! Srsly, three of them asked if they could join the next season... I think we have the makings of a HIT on our HANDS!!!!

But on to other things. As I pedaled my SPIN CLASS this morning, I mused over our matches and the interesting proclivities that they've displayed for us so far!!! And yes, I too am WEIRDED OUT by Zackary's obsession with Violet! Very odd. Don't quite see the draw there, but Oooooo-Kayyyyy....

LOVE the competition already setting itself up between Yesenia and Simone... can we say DRAMA!!!?!!?!!! Tariq seems like a PERFECT foil for the two of them, too, although judging by their flowers, I think I'd like to throw Mario into the GROUPDATE MIX, too!

Your ideas about TROWELING ON the GUILT for Violet were MEGA-HELPFUL! I was inspired and opened a folder full of my mom's emails to get the right passive-aggressive guilt-inducing tone right (Mums thinks I need to have HER GRANDBABIES ASAP but DH and I have been CHOOSING to WAIT), and I think I've hit upon the right combination of flattering and guilt-inspiring. Haha, she'll have NO CHOICE but to fling herself over that CHASM while clinging FOR DEAR LIFE to the tattooed, shaven-headed JAY. I've gone through the adventure packages and found the PERFECT ONE for the event I have in mind... After they THROW THEMSELVES OFF A BRIDGE they can enjoy a lovely ROMANTIC dinner together on a floating platform MERE FEET away from the base of the bridge where they NEARLY ENDED THEIR LIVES. A recipe for CRUSHING, to be SURE!!!

Speaking of which... BROMANCE!!!! We should totes capitalize on the BEN-NOAH connection and send them on a date with the AMISH TWINS. (Sorry, Mennonite sisters. haha) Then we can gauge whether the bro-connection is more powerful than the ROMANCE and plan accordingly.

AND YES, ABSOLUTELY WITH THE ZELDA QUEST!!!! Total GENIUS!!!! It keeps the boys occupied and I'm sure none of them would mind ending up at Madame Melinda's Internet Storefront. Maybe they'll help us get Zelda SMOKED OUT, too... if that band of D&D-playing HACKERS isn't having to stay ON THEIR TOES to keep ONE STEP AHEAD of all TWELVE of our guys, well, then they are a better band of hackers than I suspect.

The Quest for Zelda... Now, why does that sound SOOOOOO FAMILIAR???? I'm TOTES drawing a BLANK????

OK, Kate and Noah's date this weekend (Which. yes, Jay and Violet will be JUMPING OFF A BRIDGE, romantically, on FRIDAY. I wonder if we can get them to kiss while they're suspended, upside down, and being hauled back up the side of the bridge???). They're scheduled for Saturday and I loved the direction your thoughts are going with them... my original thoughts had been to send them to a swing dance and perhaps have her swing him in some of the "lifts" that are traditionally done by the guys... but your ideas have MERITS!!! (And, of course, I've decided on my LUCKY SWING DANCING VICTIMS)

Thus, I've decided to send Noah and Kate off to a CELEBRITY BOOT CAMP FITNESS RANCH for the weekend. I found the deets in the package you sent me. I've watched several of Kate's competition vids on YouTube now, and I think that with VERY LITTLE PERSUASION we could convince her to "impress" Noah by deadlifting him and parading him. held over her head, around a stage in front of a crowd of screaming fans (Who would of course be there to see actual bodybuilding celebrities, but would no doubt be thrilled to see something like a SIDESHOW to warm up to the BIG EVENT. I have NO DOUBT WHATSOEVER that this would produce UTTER and EXTREME EMBARRASSMENT in Noah and if we are able to get him to cry, this would be the way!!! (Poor guy. Hopefully with the Amish Twins and Ben he can have a less AWKWARD AND HUMILIATING experience.)) The reason I say that she would be persuadable to this type of display is that SHE HAS ALREADY DONE IT with one of the umpires in the video that I linked below. (Referees? He seemed to be having a LESS THAN PLEASANT time of it, and it seems that she was DISQUALIFIED from the competition afterward.)

With a little SUBTLE ENCOURAGEMENT, I believe that we can engineer things to the point where Noah LOCKS HIMSELF IN HIS ROOM (probably crying), and REFUSES TO LEAVE UNTIL KATE GOES AWAY. This would DEFinitely add a TANG of DRAMA and INTRIGUE to the show... which, after all, might bog down slightly after the exciting portion of the Jay/Violet date.

So what do you think??? How should we move Kate from that disappointment (because the carnations show that she was, INDEED, quite taken with Noah) to the slow-burn PERFECT MATCH we forsee with Ron? (I'm actually rather ANNOYED that neither of these two sent a carnation to the other. DO THEY NOT KNOW WHAT IS GOOD FOR THEM???? Clearly not, or they wouldn't be putting their DATING LIVES OUT IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE WORLD.)

Ron, on the other hand, was FAR TOO interested in Paige #22. Granted, the amount of tattooed cleavage that she was showing in her portrait photo seemed to be ENTRANCING FOR MOST OF THE GUYS in our group of matches. But really, "I'm just searching for a Rockabilly Romeo with the muscles of a Golden God and the soul of a Poet"??? REALLY?!?!!! Girlfriend TOTES does the whole roller derby thing, too... I guess it goes with her pinup look and rainbow hair... but REALLY???? I DON'T GET IT, GUYS. I mean, she's definitely on the FAR SIDE OF VOLUMP-TUOUS. I can't think that Ron, with his past FAT ISSUES, could REALLY BE THAT ENTRANCED... and yet... and yet...

BT-dubs, I read a little further in her VERY LONG dissertation about her interests and hobbies, and it appears that the dress that she is (BARELY) wearing in that photo is a Vintage DIOR that she HAND-EMBROIDERED with the skulls... WHYYYYYYYYYYYY???

But she also LOVES swing-dancing and I thought that, since one of our GUYS put that down as an interest, too, we should DEFS take them up on it... ETHAN #19, the skinny hipster guy with the black-rimmed glasses, curly dark hair in a pompadour, and a scarf twisted around his neck about thirteen times... I think he's even wearing OVERDYED SKINNY JEANS although it's hard to tell from the photo... ANYHOW, he apparently just LOOOOOOOOVES to swing-dance, and he sent TWO CARNATIONS in Paige's direction. Not sure he's quite MAN enough for her, but hey, we can check it out. She, on the other hand, did the expected thing and sent off two to Jay, one to Derek, one to Keith (? OK, not as expected), and one to Noah.

I share your disappointment with Dixie, although really, the girl has a BROKEN PICKER. DID YOU READ HER PAST RELATIONSHIP HISTORY??? Let's just say that Jay or Zack might be a step up. I'm not sure she'd even be able to recognize a healthy relationship if it bit her in the bum!!!!! What are your plans for those two? It seems to me that we need to set something up that will really KNOCK THEIR SOCKS OFF and make them actually SEE EACH OTHER.

On another note!

Due to our UNPRECEDENTED SUCCESS, I was thinking about ways to capitalize on it, and in the process of rolling over Mario #24's past with American Idol (could we set up a time for him to sing??? On the TALENT SHOW? Would he engender ANIMOSITY and NATURAL RIVALRY with Tariq, who is clearly a bit of a POSER???)... I thought, maybe what we need is some AUDIENCE INVOLVEMENT. What if we set up a chat session with some of the CROWD FAVORITES (have them vote for the faves, NATCH), and have people lob questions at them via Twitter and YouTube? (Snapchat? Instagram???). Doing one of those a week, with different contestants, would allow us a chance to sell more ADVERTISING SPACE (particularly if we could get the matches to make CALLOUTS for product placement... artfully holding a can of soda toward the camera??? DO YOU CATCH MY DRIFT??!!?) I know, I know, sort of an out-there idea, but I sort of like the idea of them being mini-celebs in the midst of all the DRAMA of finding their ONE TRUE LOVE (for now...).

Other ideas? Maybe we could get Audience Participation in the Mythos of Zelda (srsly, WHY does that sound so familiar?), and make the internet THAT MUCH HOTTER for our band of merry FRAUDSTERS. Ideas??? Thoughts????

And YES, I HEART the idea of continuing on the flower-exchange tradition. Maybe we can facilitate a group chat sometime this week, so that they can "get to know" each other, OF COURSE in a highly-controlled setting that WE CAN PULL THE PLUG ON ANYTIME. And then send their "You're a TOTAL HOTTIE" flowers (Passion flowers? According to one site I looked up, ORANGE ROSES mean "Passion" and "I'm hot for you")

SO MANY GREAT IDEAS!!!! This has TOTES lifted me out of my HUBBY-less FUNK!!!! (well, that and the fact that he's due home TOMORROW!!!!! HOORAYYYYYYY!!!!)

Hang in there... and make sure you vacuum up those red pistachio shells... or have RYAN do it!!!!

XOXOXOXOXO,

Lindzi