Adopted But Not Saved

i'm a murderer

(Ava's POV*)

I lay in the hospital with my eyes closed. Then I feel somebody pick up my hand. 

"I'm so sorry Ava. I really am. Every time i think it is getting better, it is actually getting worse, and it is all my fault. I should had kept a better eye on you when i had the chance and since i didn't look at you. I love you so much, and i need you here with me. Please get better. I need you Ava. I need you."

I let out a breath and my chest continues to rise and fall at the same pattern. 

"And Ava, if you are worried about the baby, don't be. It's gone. And I will help you through this. I will. You know why? Cause i love you."

I try to open my eyes, and i succeed. 

"Hey." He sighs and there are tears on his cheek. 

"I'm sorry." 

"You have no reason to be sorry Ava, none of this is any of your fault. I promise."

"No, i'm a murderer." 

"Ava-"

"No i really am. I shot myself because i didn't want to have my uncles child, and so i killed it. Im a murderer and Im selfish." 

"Ava! You are not fucking selfish. Half the kids your age have never been through something like that and you are the strongest little girl i have ever met. Nobody I know your age would have been able to go through that. Nobody I know my age would be able to go through that. you are amazing and I love you. Never forget that. And so does everyone else. I promise."

Before i can think of words to say, i jump up and wrap my arms around him, not even caring about the pain from the stitches. I let a few tears go to. And rest my head on his shoulder.

"I love you Carisi. I love you so much. But I hate myself. I can't look at myself in the mirror or even think about myself. I hurt so many people Carisi. Including you. And Im sorry. It's just a matter of time until you guys leave me. My parents did, my uncle did too, and then he raped me, and you guys will too one day."

"Ava, we will never leave, i promise. Never. You will be 40 and i will be 80 and still care about you, and be with you. we will never leave. Ever."

I nod into his shoulder and hug him. 

"I love you."

"I love you too." we stay hugging for about 1 minute. Then he brakes the silence. "Im hungry." 

"When are you not?" I laugh.

"Hey is that a fat joke?!" He laughs. which makes me laugh, i shake my head now laughing. "Wanna go get something to eat?"

"Sure."

"come on." He lifts me up and puts me in the wheelchair and starts to walk down the hallway pushing me. 

We take the elevator down to the cafeteria. When we get there we order. I order a salad, but don't eat it. Only stare at it.

"you need to eat ava." he sighs stuffing his face.

"Im not hungry though."

"But-" 

"Carisi, don't worry. I will save it and eat it later. I promise, im just not hungry right now." 

"Okay," he nods as he finishes up. Then we do the same routine and go back to my room, as i avoid the looks people give me, because i know what they are thinking. 

They think i am a slutty bitchy baby killer.

And I know I am.