grindr ❯ joshler

"please don't leave me"

tw // anxiety attack ??

tyler's pov

a few days ago, when josh told me that he was offered this amazing job, i honestly didn't know how to feel. for starters i was a crying mess, then i suddenly became super happy and supportive of his decision. we spent as much time as possible together, day and night, twenty-four seven. and now, i'm back to being the crying mess i was a few days ago and am standing in the middle of the airport waiting for my boyfriend's flight to be called.

i've been hugging him since we got out of the car, and i truly did not want to let go. it isn't the best decision i've made considering i have major separation anxiety. i haven't told josh about it, and if i did, he would've declined that offer so quick.

"ATTENTION: FLIGHT NUMBER 5 GATE B - COLUMBUS, OHIO TO BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS NOW BOARDING. AGAIN, FLIGHT NUMBER 5 GATE B - COLUMBUS, OHIO TO BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS NOW BOARDING."

josh looked at me with sadness flowing through his beautiful brown orbs. still hugging him, i held him as tight as i could, closing my eyes and wishing he'd change his mind last minute and come back home with me. "i'm going to miss you, mocha. fuck, i'm going to miss you so goddamn much." josh said. i watched as a tear fell from his eye. "please don't leave me" i whispered, knowing i couldn't do anything, but hey, it was worth a shot. "i'm so sorry princess. i'll be home quicker then you know. we-we can facetime and call and text each other whenever you want, okay? i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you so so much tyler. i'll be home soon, sweetheart." he put his two fingers under my chin and lifted my head to where we were face to face. we stared into each other's eyes before we both whispered "i love you." our voiced cracked from crying so much as we shared our last kiss for over a month. we pulled apart to breathe, but josh came back in to peck my lips a few more times.

he turned around and started walking towards the security entry. he looked behind his back and blew me a kiss. tears streaming down my face, i screamed one last "i love you!" as i watched him disappear into the jetway. once he was gone, it took me a moment to recollect my thoughts. "i miss you already" i whispered to myself before i walked out of the airport.

△

i've been sitting in my car for the past thirty minutes and i haven't left the airport parking lot. i just wasn't stable enough. i slammed my hands against my steering wheel, "why did i have to let him go." "why did i let him leave me." "why. why. why." "bring him back" i continuously screamed these words to myself. i felt suffocated. i felt trapped. my stomach was starting to hurt from worry, not knowing if he was safe or not. i started to think about all the things that could go wrong. to him, to me. my separation anxiety had started kicking in. i started to shake excessively. i started overthinking. i couldn't breathe. i looked in the rear-view mirror and saw that my face was flushed. my heart was racing and it was then i knew i was having an anxiety attack.

josh's voice flooded in the back of my head. it was from the last time i had an anxiety attack. he was telling me to relax and take deep breathes. "c'mon ty, in through your nose; 2,3,4, out through your mouth; 5,6,7,8. keep doing that baby, you're okay." then he'd tell me to tell the voices to stop. scream at them, tell him to go away. "STOP! PLEASE STOP. GO AWAY. LEAVE ME ALONE" i took another deep breath, "i'm okay, i'm alright. m'not gonna die. you're alright ty. you've gone through this many times before, you can do it again." i told myself, continuing to whisper those thoughts. now i just had to accept how and what i'm feeling. "josh'll be back soon. it's not that far away. he's safe, you're safe. everything is okay."

ten minutes later and i was fully calm. i let out a deep breath before starting my car. i took a final look at the airport before settling off home, wishing that this month will fly by.

oh i am s o sorry for the feels,, i apologize.