tinted // l.p.

Chapter 17

Cold.

I was cold.

inside and out.

I couldn't close my eyes, when ever i did all i would see is red. My blood. On his hands.

It was a memory i wish i had forgotten. A memory i wish i never had, but i did. I had to live with it everyday, keep it hidden and in the far back of my mind. But of course it found it's way to the front, because of him.

Miles.

He wasn't always like that. I loved him once. Once. Even after i didn't love him i loved him. He convinced me.

But that wasn't love.

it couldn't be.

To love someone is to be happy around them even if you practically despise them. Love is what bites you in the ass that makes you bump into that one guy in the coffee shop. Love is teasing the hell out of them because you like their annoyed face. Love is, well love is love.

Why can't i find love.

It's silly. Ira, the girl with so many secrets and lies that she could cover ever inch of the world with. Ira, the girl who was in love with a monster. Ira, the girl who will never fall in love. 

I don't even know why i'm going over this right now, i've gone over it a million times since i got away from him. 

Maybe it's the lack of sleep and the fact i'm cold and in the middle of no where with my phone turned off. I guess i could turn it on, call Liam and have him rescue me. But he'd ask questions. Questions i'm not ready to answer. that i'll probably never be able to answer. 

Then there's a part of me that thinks if i turn my phone on, Miles will find me again. 

I'm terrified.

Terrified of what he'd do. Terrified what i would do. Terrified of what might happen. 

But i'm also terrified i'll never see him again. 

Terrified i'll never be able to tell him what he's done to me. How he fucked up my life. How i never loved him.

I have lied before. I've lied a lot really. But not loving him is something i wouldn't lie about. Its probably the only truth in my life. 

I sigh, attempting to rest my eyes for a bit; but it doesn't work. The sun is rising again and i can't move. Maybe someone will find my body all lifeless and dead. 

I grunt, using the trunk to steady me as i try to stand. My body just plain hurts. My legs feel as if they could give out any second now, but i have to try to get to a street at least; in case i pass out. There's a trail a few feet away, maybe it leads to the road. Only one way to find out.

I stumble to the trail, grunting when all i can see both ways are beautiful trees and chirping birds. If i had to guess - its about five am, maybe later. 

I begin walking slowly, making sure not to trip or for sure i wouldn't be able to get up. God i must look horrible; all i'm wearing is a pair of jeans, a dirty white shirt and Liam's leather jacket. I could almost bet if someone ran into me they would scream and run the other way.

God this trail is endless. 

i don't know how long  i've been walking. All i know is i'm about to pass out any minute. I tried yelling for help, but my throat is dry from crying and my body is just so weak. I pull to the side of the trail, everything becoming extremely dizzy. "god i'm going to die" i mumble, taking a deep breath before trying to continue.