PCD || Muke ✓

twenty

Michael's eyes were a rubbed-raw color of red. He hadn't cried since he had started tour and he just felt like he was doing horribly. His medication hadn't been working and it felt like the world was collapsing around him.

It was one of Michael's bad days today. But again, most days were. Sure he could be happy sometimes but it wasn't true happiness. It'd just aid him along for a bit and then he'd get kicked over by a strong current of empty emotions and lost thoughts.

He just felt so alone. He had people surrounding him every day. Thousands of people. And yet he felt like couldn't emotionally connect to any of them.

It didn't help that he regretted strongly what he did with Luke. Multiple times after the first time. They were in another one of their fights. This time it was over since it seemed like Luke had forgotten that Michael had a mental disorder and kept pushing him until Michael yelled at him and then he yelled back and it just came tumbling down. All the words he had said previously obviously didn't mean anything.

Luke was now ignoring Michael and it made him feel so insecure. Was he not good enough? It was so much more simple when Luke didn't know and they just hated each other. If he could go back three weeks to his birthday party, he would've stopped it all. Hell, he'd even stop the tour if he could.

He loved seeing the fans and he loved being with them and seeing the impact he had but it seemed that once he was closed away from the world he was completely and utterly terrified. He felt like they were the only ones keeping him there. Michael couldn't let them down.

He felt so numb. Michael was walking backstage, setting up for the show, when he heard strange sounds coming from behind the shower curtain. He recognized a few of them and that's what crushed him more. The sound of rushing water mixed in with the sound of high pitched moans and much lower groans.

"Fuck, baby boy. So good for me. The best I've ever had," Michael heard Luke moan out.

His very little self-confidence that remained felt as if it had snapped. The only thing that was pulling him along was that he had Luke was crawling and begging for him. Now that Luke had everything from the smaller, why would he need to continue?

Why was Michael not good enough? Was it the small pudge of fat that stuck out over his legging waistband? Was it the fact that he wasn't always in the best mentality? Michael could be a fake happy for Luke but he knew it'd be even harder than dealing with everything he was.

Michael ran out of the room when he heard the shower turn off. He didn't need Luke to catch him crying and definitely not having his own form of lame pity party.

Luke heard the choked sob and the door of the dressing room swing shut. He could only guess who it was and he was fucked. He had been trying to distance himself from Michael so that he could realize things on his own but he didn't mean for it to happen this way.

"You need to fucking leave," Luke told the boy, the one that had been a somewhat mediocre fuck.

The boy gave Luke a weird look but then Luke growled at him and the boy was scrambling on his way.

Luke would then start to worry and work himself back into Michael's life and Michael didn't need that. It would just make everything worse.

Luke knew that Michael was weighing too much on the idea of love and how he needed to be constantly loved by someone else to feel worthy. He needed to be needed so that he didn't focus on the chemical imbalance in his brain. It wasn't healthy.

The small boy couldn't be so dependent on someone that would never want to love him back. He couldn't fall into a false happiness and believe that someone could save him and the only one that could was himself. Michael needed to stop focusing so much on others and take the time to focus on himself.

That's why they had gotten in the last fight. Luke had explained to Michael that he needed help and yet, Michael kept telling him that he was perfectly fine and happy.

Michael was slowly killing himself all over again and yet he was too blinded by the bright stage light to even realize so.

***

I've felt so meh on updating this book and I feel meh with this update but I feel like it worked out better than expected.

-Lee