To Be Depressed

Mental Pain's Like Being Shot

"I'm going to get out of bed every morning, breathe in and out all day long. Then after a while I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out. And then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while." - Tom Hanks, Sleepless In Seattle.

That's a quote someone told me last week when I asked the question; "what would you do if you were me?"

Her answer? "Get through it. The only way to get through it, is to get through it."

I must have looked fairly sceptical, because she went on to tell me that quote.

She did it because she thought that the beginning bit would help me. In reality the end part was the bit that struck home. Reduced me to tears actually.

"And then after a while, I won't have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while."

I had it perfect. Not perfect perfect, real-life-not-a-storybook perfect.

I had what I'd always wanted. What I'd spent years crying over.

For four whole months I felt content.

That's gone now.

I'm back where I started.

Except this time, I'm completely and utterly broken.

I don't like to admit it on here because I feel like a fraud. Always telling you guys it'll get better, when in actuality all I want is to disappear.

How am I supposed to be a good role model when I'm completely shattered?

The answer is, I can't.

And I'm really sorry about that.

I do still believe in you all.

I do honestly believe that you can get better.

But I hate myself every time I reply to your comments telling you it'll be okay, because I don't believe that I'll be okay anymore.

It's different now, I guess...

I'm sorry I haven't been here for you guys. I actually had no intention of updating at all for a while.

But I felt like you needed this quote just as much as I did. It's what I'm clinging to now.

I hope you guys all stay strong, because I believe in you all.

Mental pain is like being shot, except the wound never really heals...