Invasionally Influenced

White light

I wake up from a most wanted sleep. The thoughts from yesterdays conversations haunted my dreams.

It shouldn't have ended the way it did.

After Jade's little but powerful comment "secrets kill harder then cancer" silence fell. It hung in the air for a moment or so until Elis broke it without even using words.

She just upped and left. No words.

I felt bad for ages and Luke couldn't look me in the eye for the rest of the time he spent in my hospital room.

Jade, on the other hand, was far the opposite. She was staring at me with the same look before I passed out at school. It was like she was purposing a deep life meaningful question.

But of course she never said anything.

An hour after Elis left Luke left. He said goodbye and strangely kissed me on the forehead.

When Luke was far enough away Jade immediately launched herself at me.

"You and Luke hey!" She said in a sort of ooo la la tone of voice. 

I immediately hit her continuously whilst saying "no it's not like that I didn't even think of him like that. And never will." Even though I know I'm lying.

Then Jade leaves repeatedly saying "sure, sure."

But that was yesterday and this is today.

I know that if they're gonna come today I'm gonna say no they can't come in. I need to focus on myself. I'm more important.

At least I think I am.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

I wait for the doctor to come and sure enough it's not too long. 

I start asking him questions about my cancer and questions about how I can help myself.

I don't know why, but I feel as if I need to try to stay alive for my Mum.

That sounds so stupid, I know.

But the main thing I need to focus on, according to the doctor, is that the cancer doesn't spread or get any worse then it is.

Cliché or what!

Like it's gonna get worse and it's gonna spread, it's the process of dying. You can't avoid it or go past it, it's inevitable.

I'm not one to give up hope or whatever, but right now I feel as if I should.

Coz I'm gonna die in 3 months or less.

I feel my heart beating rather fast at the thought of this. I'm not gonna know what sort of person I grow up to be. I'm not gonna finish school. I'm never gonna know life in the big world.

A tear falls from my face.

I feel as if I'm about to disappear again- into the white light.

Sure enough I do.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

Once again I wake up, with my friends next to me.

But not Elis.

Doctors start coming into my room.

"Jessy, the cancer in your lungs has suddenly worsened." A female doctor says with a sad face.

"So what does that mean with time?" I ask with a tear falling down my face.

"It takes away time you had left. I'm sorry to say this but we estimate that you have 2 months." She sits on a chair next to me, her name tag visible.

Doctor Hannah Colin

That's a pretty name, for a doctor.

"Hannah?" I ask quizzically.

"Umm.. Yes?" Say replies frowning intensely.

"Will you help me?" And after a little pause for thought, i say "die?"

Luke suddenly shots a look at me, making me realize he's still in the room. Jade just staring blankly at Doctor Hannah, waiting to hear a response.

A voice breaks the staring and painful crying.

"Jessy, I'm afraid I have a duty, as your doctor, to keep you alive for as long as possible-" I interrupt her.

"You also have a duty to keep me comfy and do as I ask. So I ask you to help me die and if you don't your no longer my doctor. I'm not to have a doctor treat me if they can't respect my wishes-" then she returns my bad manners.

"Any doctor wouldn't do as you have asked. It's against the law to do as you've asked." She says with a stern horrible look on her face.

"Well if you can't I will do it by myself." And with that I dismiss her.