Invasionally Influenced

Speak Or Forever Hold Your Peace

I woke up, again, in hospital.

I'm sure it's my new best friend.

Now I believe I've had a lot of time in a coma. A whole month to be precise.

And during my coma month I've had a lot of time to think.

I've realized that my death will cause a lot of pain to the people who are close to me.

I've been putting off my death making the pain even more painful. So from now on I'm not putting my death off.

Because the crazy thing is, it's starting to hurt me too.

My three best friends walk in the room.

"You're a tough cookie, I see." Says Jade.

"Always making the drama." Says Elis.

Silence from Luke.

This is what I wanted to avoid the painful look each one gives me as I cling on for my life.

The painful words even if they're not spoken.

"You know the crazy thing is I used to think that secrets does the most harm. But really, death does. Because it's permanent. Like, you will never see that person again. I understand Luke, because I'm losing too." I look into his eyes. That's not quite what I wanted to say... But we'll role with it.

"Shut up." Pleasant words from Luke, the wise man.

"I'm sorry for all the harm I have done. Your my best friends for life, including you Elis. The pain is unspeakable. I'm just really sorry. I've let you down." I bow my head in shame ignoring Luke's pleasant but unpleasant words.

"It's okay bestie." Elis says as she walks over and hugs me.

"You can let go now." I say to Elis. "You're hurting me more." I pat her in the back.

"I'm sorry, I forgot." She let's go and heads back to the other two.

"I've ran out of words to say." The painful tone from my voice makes me shiver.

"I have one more thing to say." Jade raises her hand as she speaks.

"Speak or forever hold your peace." I nod to give her permission.

"You can let us go now. Don't be afraid to give up, please." A tear falls down her cheek. Jade, my lesbian best friend, leaves the room creating an airy silence.

Soon enough Elis follows, leaving me and Luke all on our own.

I could try and crack a joke but I think that would be insensitive.

I could try and tell a story, but again I think it would be insensitive.

So I keep my mouth shut.

Luke takes a seat next to my bed and holds my hands in a tight grip.

My breathing becomes slower and I feel like Luke shouldn't watch me die.

Silence screams louder than words, they say. It's totally true. I can see all the pain from Luke and yet he doesn't speak.

The years of highs and lows, upsets and joys. It's shaped him into a person that now I don't recognize.

The boy I met at the tracks is not the boy I see now.

The boy who cried over him killing his brother is not the boy I see now.

He looks dark and cold. Like on the verge of a mental breakdown.

My heart slows significantly. My breathing becomes even more slower. My stomach clenches every now and again but that's normal because my body is shutting down.

It's slowly failing on me.

I close me eyes to see if it helps at all. To be honest I don't know if it's helping.

I open my mouth to speak but close it quick. I have no words to speak, no quest to seek.

I open my mouth again but still no words so I close it once again.

My heart rate slows to the point where my breathing has stopped.

I must speak the words I have in my head before I fail completely.

"Luke..." My frail voice speaks. "Never stop loving me. Please, it's what Mikey would..."

My lights went out... For the last time.

I won't say goodbye. I can't say goodbye.

I should have spoken but I chose to forever hold my peace.