Is Wattpad a good or bad thing? Are the people on here writers or do they just think they are? Whatever your answer to those questions there are a lot of mysteries surrounding Wattpad and the people that choose to write here. Every day thousands of...
I rue several decisions in my life (yep, first time using "rue", I like it). A bunch, actually (not I like using "rue" a bunch, but I rue a bunch of decisions, a bunch, wow, this is getting complicated, won't use that rue word ever again). Like the day I put a King Size Snicker's chocolate bar in the freezer to see how hard it would get, only to take it out the next day and immediately testing it out on my head. Smack! The one day in my life I actually passed out for a few seconds. And that's because I actually fell out of a moving truck once, and also broke a door with my head during a particularly eventful SWAT team entry.
First marriage. Yep, rue that one (yeah, lied, gonna keep using that word). Being a cop? Big time rue there. Should've gotten an education (would've heard of ''rue" earlier). Not reading when I was young? Yep, super rue there. Having to play catch up reading all the cool books you guys read a long time ago. That sucks. Eating too much sugar? Nope. Love sugar. Deal with it. Getting on Wattpad? Jury still out on that one.
Recent rues (yeah, not even sure I can use the word like that). I have several of those. I rue the day I bought the Raisin Bran with the Omega 3 crap in it. That one sucked. Rue the day I lost my reading glasses and was stuck at the library all day without them. That really, really sucked. And yes, I rue the day I discovered Texas Pecan Coffee at the Black Iron Café. Yep, I'm an addict. I can go maybe 3 days before I start having withdrawals symptoms.
But my biggest recent rue? Yes, you guessed it- subscribing to Wattpad's email status notifications. OMG those things vex me! I honestly thought I would get one or two of these emails a month. I mean really, that dating spam thingy site with the naked girls on it doesn't spam me as much as the Wattpad Status emails! My luck I guess. But I know what you are thinking. Unsubscribe you idiot! Yeah, I thought that too. But I think I am just going to start to make use of them. You know what they say. When life gives you lemons, make fun of those dumbasses making lemonade and go get back at whatever is throwing lemons at you. I'll go with that.
So this is what I am going to do. I am going to translate these things for you. I'm gonna do this because I know for a fact that Wattpad pays some lucky Canadian wordsmith professor ex-alcoholic probably somewhere around 6 figures just to do the old "double speak". You know, say this when we mean that. Tell them a lot, while telling them nothing? It's an old public relations trick. But I'm gonna fix that for you. Consider me your official friendly neighborhood Wattpad Status Translator guy. You can thank me later. Preferably with cookies. Preferably gourmet chocolate chunk walnut cookies from the HEB grocery store located at the corner of Shary Road and the Expressway 83 in Mission, Texas. But yeah, any cookies will do in a pinch.
Here is the first one.
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Translaton- " Okay. Look. The guy who does our error message thingies is going through a lot right now. Normally he is our go to guy for making sure things like this don't happen but, well... Look, we're just gonna say it. He's got a drinking problem. And not one of those 'gimme another beer eh?' drinking problems. It's serious. He often comes to work with his batman underwear on the outside of his pants. Bare (lol) with us. We're doing an intervention soon. We'll get back to you soon. 'We'll be back'. lol...sorry couldn't pass that one up. "
Next one.
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Translation. "If you've got Gmail you're screwed. You're not even going to get this one. Which really makes us wonder why we are even sending it since you're not gonna really get this until we fix this, in which case it won't matter anymore. So yeah, forget it. Peace out!"
One more.
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Translation. "Did you ever see the movie 'The Transporter'? You know the one with that white guy that can actually kick you in the face while he's wearing a very expensive suit (sure, white guy who can kick, whatever)? Yeah, well we should have hired him to get shit done here. We hear that he can deliver anything. But we didn't. Our bad."
P.S. Shit got fixed. We have no idea how. It just did. "
That's it for today stalkers. Please don't subscribe to these things. It will just confuse you. Plus, you might "rue" the day. Ain't nobody got time for that.
Hey, while you're logged on check out these fine folks (unless you have little time, then just keep reading me, they're on their own).
