Trust, Love, and Lost Relations

Words Can't Fix Actions

Niall's P.O.V

I was at the table with my mum, staring at my screen.

From: Felicity
Ni, I'm so sorry. I can't believe I did that to you. I can't imagine how that made you feel. That thing with him.. Ohmygod, I'm so sorry. I have no idea how it happened. It just happened and now I'm back to normal and it just feels like the whole thing was a dream. I wasn't in control of my actions, and I knew it was wrong the whole time. I felt it. The wrongness. But you don't need my excuses. You need someone who will treat you properly and love you the way you should be loved. I'm so sorry. I just hope you're happy. That's all I want.

From: Felicity
I love you...

The phone started ringing suddenly. I went over to the wall where the home phone was, and answered without thinking. "Hello?"

"Niall." Zayn said on the other end. I shook my head, going to hang it up, but "Niall, no. Please don't hang up."

"I don't want to hear about Felicity's condition. I already saw what she was like. I don't need a reminder."

"What if I was just calling to see how you were doing?"

"You weren't," I said matter-of-factly.
"Well, I sort of was. How are you doing, Ni?"
"I'm fine."
"I can hear the lie from here," he pointed out.

"What do you want, Zayn?" I asked quietly. I was emotionally tired, and I didn't want to deal with this right now.

"She's back," he said, a tone of excitement in his voice.

"Who's back? What the hell are you talking about?"

"Felicity," he clarified, "she's back."
"Zayn, she never left."
"She did, though. She-" he cut himself off.
"She what, Zayn?"
"She should tell you herself."
"She would have to talk to me first."

Truth is, she explained most of it to me in that text. I just knew I wouldn't be able to see her again. I would either cry, feel my heart physically break all over again, scream at her, or forgive her on the spot. I didn't want to do any of those things. I didn't want the whole house to see me crying, I didn't want to feel the pain all over again, when I had just started to be ok, and I didn't want to yell at her. She hated being yelled at, and as mad and frustrated and hurt as I was, I would not do that to her.

"Niall, she wants to talk to you," he sighed.
"Well who says I want to talk to her?"

I heard my voice crack on the last word, and cursed myself. Now he was going to ask questions and eventually get the answers out of me. "Look, Zayn. I have to go. Greg is coming over."

"I think you're scared." He told me. And of course, he was right. As usual..

"I am not scared. I just have more dignity than to go over there and be judged and tricked again.

"Tricked? What do you mean tricked?" he asked, his voice rising. "Felicity is heartbroken. She hates herself. She doesn't eat, she doesn't sleep. The only time she leaves her room is to eat dinner with her family. The only time she's happy is at dinner with her family, and even then, she's faking it. She's pretending to be happy for her family, so they don't worry. So her younger siblings don't need to see depression at fifteen and sixteen years old. But by all means, just accuse her of tricking you. As if the whole fucking relationship was a lie, just because you're a bloody coward," he hissed.

"I told you. I have to go." And I hung up the phone, my whole body feeling heavy. I was numb. Even after all this, I still blamed her for the whole thing. As if she chose to totally lose control of her actions and thoughts. As if I was the only victim. She may have torn me apart, she may have totally destroyed me, but she was just as hurt as I was, she was just as much a victim as I was, and I was blind to the whole damn thing.