Wonderland (Sequal to Keeping It Up For The Cameras)

Chapter 38

Time was a funny thing to me, when I wanted things to go quickly they were painfully slow and when I wanted to savour every moment I had life flashed forwards. I wanted to be young for a little longer. I wanted to be me for a little longer. I'd been warned by people recently that my career up until now was the equivalent of nursery and I was about to graduate that enter sixth form without the whole middle process. Basically everything had been easy for me and now everything was about to get a lot harder. People seemed to care about me now. It wasn't that prior to this year nobody cared about me because they did it was just now that interest had accelerated to an alarming amount. It was alarming actually how much people cared about what I did, I was under a microscope, every single thing I did was being watched. I suddenly had these restrictions put on me because I couldn't take a wrong step for the first time. It seemed like ages since I was able to be free without fear. Maybe I was being melodramatic, after all I'd wanted this my whole life. It was what I wanted right? I wanted my music to be heard, I wanted to 'famous' but maybe I hadn't prepared for this. I just wished there was some type of class I could take that would teach me how to cope. The only thing close to a lesson was lunch with people who had been through this already, Taylor gave me advice when was in London and so did Ed when he finally returned to the UK but that wasn't really enough. Brief spurts of information just weren't enough for me. Then again I could get over it all because it would be worth it. The photos, the attention, the lack of time would all be worth it in the end because it would get me where I wanted to be.

The thing I really had an issue with was that it was going to get worse. Everything would get worse. I just wanted to have a little longer being lowkey before everything got worse. Maybe I just wanted more time with James before he went away on tour. It was probably that. I think I must have been scared that maybe he would think it's too much and even if he loved me I wouldn't be worth the baggage. I just want to saviour the time before the inevitable realisation that I was not worth everything that came with me. I'd been warned that one day James would wake up and realise that I was not worth it all and he would rather be with someone normal.

The album was now finished and the buzz around it was more then I'd ever even imagined. With the buzz came pressure. Pressure that resulted in my want for some form of isolation. Isolation that was honestly never going to happen. I was placed, well forced, out of my comfort zone, in so many ways.

"Okay so tomorrow we'll be doing another photoshoot but this time for Glamour, not promo shots for the album," George told me as he stood texting on his phone, chewing gum whilst a stylist attempted to in a dress so that it would fit my body at the same time as being restricting.

"I know," I said, my jaw clenched as I felt a pin being jabbed into my side. "You told me a few days ago," I sighed as the pin was removed and repositioned.

"Just reminding you," he shrugged looking up at me for a brief seconded, making sure I wasn't too angry. "That dress doesn't fit you," he said bluntly and then looked at the stylist. "Get her in something that's actually nice and will fit her." he sounded a little aggravated as he placed his phone down on the table. "Even I can see that this is not right." he gestured to what I was wearing.

"Sure thing," The stylist shrugged removing all pins from my dress, and skin. "Get out of this and I'll get you something else," she ordered me and I stepped off of the stall I'd been placed on to go behind a screen where I had to change into a different outfit, this time one that actually fitted me.

"That's better," George beamed the moment he saw my new outfit, practically giddy I was in something more suitable to him.

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I had spent the whole day as a doll, being told to pose and where to look. As shallow as it sounded it was exhausting. Something I used to find exciting was now tiring because it was sandwiched in between hectic days and nights. Previously I would have removed all make up and changed into comfortable clothes, trying to make myself more me again but recently I'd given up with that and just left as soon as I possibly could to be able to get home and sleep. Apart from today sleep wasn't really an option for me and seeing my boyfriend was so I kept the make up and hair, ditched the clothes for my even more uncomfortable ones that I'd arrived in.