It Feels Right

dancing queen. young & sweet. only 17

 Ethan saw me on the deck. Without a thought, I headed inside up to my room to gather my thoughts for a sec. I really needed to escape for a while, so I went down to the basement instead, where it's basically my own music studio. I make my way downstairs to the door for the basement until I got stopped by Ethan. I didn't want to face him. I couldn't. I was too weak.

"Hey Kolby!" He seemed energetic.

"Oh, um, hi" a fake smile has appeared on my face

"You okay?" All of a sudden he got serious.

"I mean today was Papaw's funeral and Ad-, nevermind. I just still need some time to cooperate."

"Oh alright. I'm sorry."

"It's fine. I'll see you at dinner or something." I excused myself from the conversation.

 I could feel Addy glaring at me from behind. Ethan doesn't know about me, about my depression, and I would like to keep it that way. He doesn't need to know. I made my way down to the basement, and sat down at my grand. I kind of just let me hands play whatever they felt like. They knew what to play better than my mind. I started to play Wait For You by Elliott Yamin. 

Playing piano helped me cope. I can express my feelings deeper through my music than through writing or art. Yeah, writing and art help, but there's just something about music that just makes everything exceptional.

 I guess I was playing for a long time because Kyle asked me when I was going to bed. I just get so lost into the music world that I didn't even care what else is happening. I answered Kyle with "soon". He shook his head, and headed to bed himself.

 About an hour later, I head up stairs to the kitchen to grab a bottle of water to take to my room. Ethan was in the kitchen. Shit. Nope, I'm just gonna head to bed. Screw the water, but it was too late, "Hey Kolby, is it alright if Kensleigh, Gray and I talk to you real quick?" 

"Um. Sure?" Looking at him with a confused

"It'll take a few minutes, nothing big." Reassuring that it wasn't a big deal.

"Alrighty" We headed into the living room where Kens and Grayson were at sitting hand in hand on the couch.

"Hey there's the famous Kolby" Grayson teased
"Ha ha, Grayson"

"Kolby, sit down please" Kens sounded serious and it worried me.

"Alright. You guys are scaring me now."

"We just need to talk to you about Addy." she assured

"Oh. great. What now?" 

"She told us, what happened when you guys talked outside today."

"And?" I asked puzzled. 

"She said that you threatened her to stay from Ethan, and you had some picture of her or whatever. Why would you do that?"

"Jesus Christ. That girl has a lot of nerve." I said under my breath

"What?" She didn't hear me clearly, thank god.

"Kens, I never said anything like that. She was the one that threatened me. It all started at the funeral home. She got into my truck, right as I was about to leave and she told me that I better stay away from Ethan or else. I freaked out on her and told her to get out of my truck because she wouldn't leave me alone. Then she told me that this conversation wasn't over. Then this afternoon, she wanted to talk and threatened me again to stay from Ethan. She pulled out her phone and showed me the picture of me... of you know that one time when...screw it I'll just say it. She had the picture of me trying to commit suicide okay? She is using that against me." I turned to Ethan "And that's why I gave you the cold shoulder this afternoon because she will put that on every social media and I'm not willing to risk everything that our family has. I'm so sor-"

"Kolby! How could you blame Addy for such a thing?" she said standing up, "She would never do that! You're just being selfish." Kens interrupted me before I could finish.

"You're seriously going to believe your friend over your twin sister? Are you kidding me?" I stood up with her. 

"Yes! Because only you would come up with something so foolish!"

 I was beyond pissed at this point. I can't handle this. I don't need this either. Angrily standing up, "You know what Kens, you can believe your friend all you want because I'm done with all of this shit! I have had to put up with you taking her side for everything! You KNOW how much I HATE talking about how I tried taking my life aND YET YOU STILL BELIEVE HER! Go for it. Whatever. I'm done. All of you can believe Addy for all I care, but she's not the victim here. If you wanna believe that I threatened her to stay away from Ethan, go for it. If you wanna believe that I have "some picture" of her, go for it, but I'm done. Stop talking to me, talking shit about me, don't look at me for all I care. React to this however you want, but don't come crying to me about how sorry you are when you find out the truth. Blood is thicker than water, Kens. Think about that for a bit. And Ethan, you do you man, that's all I have to say. I need to go. You know, I'm hurt. I'm hurt that you don't believe me Kens. I really am. I still love you like no tomorrow, but it feels like you've stabbed me."

I ran up the stairs, rushed into my room and slammed the door. Crying, I slid down the door down to the ground. This was my absolute breaking point. I went straight to my bathroom and got out the razors. One by one, they kept appearing all the up my arm. Blood dripping, the killer pain, the silent screams for help, it was all there. Loud and clear. My crying, severe at this point. I fell to rock bottom and have no way to get back up. All I want is to be saved. My chest started to hurt so badly because of my heavy sobbing. I run some cold water and splash it on my face. Water ends up running down my cuts which shoots jolts of pain through me. I silently scream in my cries. Then I looked up in the mirror, next thing I knew I had one of my many pill bottles in my hand. My life was going down hill from here anyway so why not just put an end to it. I was ready to leave, the pain was unbearable. I was struggling with getting the bottle open, crying even harder than before, the struggle was becoming more real. 

I heard someone knocking on the door, "NOT NOW. I'M BUSY". I finally got the bottle open and pills drop everywhere on the floor. I frantically grab as many as I could; one by one I start swallowing them. I hear the door burst open, it was Kyle. He picked me up and ran me down stairs, trying to get me to throw up the pills. I refused. I started getting light headed and very dizzy. The boys stood up frantically looking concerned and for something to help with while Kens was on her phone not even paying attention. They wouldn't be able to do anything since they don't know what it's like to live with a ticking time bomb unlike Kens. There was a trail of blood on the wooden floor and down the stairs from when Kyle carried me down. Kylie was trying to clean it up but her tears were in the way. "Kylie go upstairs and count the pills now!" Kyle yelled. Our dad wasn't home otherwise I would've been at the hospital by now.

She ran up to my bathroom, counted as fast she could "twelve missing! She needs to go to the hospital asap" she yelled for upstairs. I was starting to feel light headed and couldn't stand straight "Let me go. If you love me you would let me go. I want to leave for a reason" I start crying with anger and disparity "these cuts are cries for help, yet no one chooses to hear me! I'M DONE SO LET ME GO BE WITH PAPAW! I'M DYING FOR HELP AND THE ONLY ANSWER THAT I CAN FIND IS TO LEAVE, SO LET ME GO" next thing I knew I was screaming at the top of my lungs trying to hold onto the counter so I wouldn't fall over. "YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS FEELS LIKE. MY SIS- SISTER...MY OWN SISTER DOESN'T B-B-BELIEVE ME THAT HER BEST FRIEND IS MAKING ME END MY FRIENDSHIP WITH ETH-ETHAN OTHERWISE SHE WILL MAKE A PICTURE O-OF ME TRYING TO KILL MY-MYSELF GO VIRAL. MY BEST FRIEND JUST DIED OF CANCER AND I FEEL LIKE I'M LIVING IN A DARK HOLE. NOW PLEASE TELL ME THAT I SHOULDN'T GO." Kyle gently grabbed my arm "NO, LET GO OF ME. NOW!" I yanked my arm away from his hand "I'M A POOR EXCUSE OF A TEENAGE GIRL. I SHOULD BE HAPPY AND SHOULD BE NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT WHETHER I'M GOING TO MAKE IT THROUGH THE NEXT DAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO LIVE MY LIFE THIS WAY, BUT THIS IS WHAT IT'S LIKE WITH DEPRESSION. I. AM. A. GRENADE. SO PLEASE. DO EVERYONE A FAVOR AND LET ME GO-" 

Kyle gripped onto my arms, looking dead into my eyes "KOLBY, I AM NOT LETTING YOU GO! YOU ARE TOO VALUABLE FOR ME TO LOSE. I CAN'T LET YOU GO. NOT WITH PAPAW OKAY? YOU'RE NOT LEAVING ME TOO. I'M HERE TO HELP YOU, NOW LET ME SAVE YOU!" Kyle was sporadically looking for the keys, they are nowhere to be found. The blood as coming out faster, the pain was becoming more severe, the tears were coming out faster than ever. Everything started to go black. Then all of a sudden I just fell to the floor. I still hear voices around me but only one of them is clear and it sounds like..