What Should Have Been

Part 1

"We found a small shadow on the scan, I'm sorry to have to tell you this... I'm afraid it's cancer." The words were heard but seemed to drift through the air unwanted by him. He shifted uncomfortably in his chair maintaining his glassy gaze out of the window. "I know this isn't what you had been hoping for, but we must discuss where we go from here..."

The words trailed off as the consultant continued to talk, in much detail, of forms of treatment and what was expected of him from now. None of it mattered though because he couldn't think about any of this right now. It wasn't what was on his mind, she was. She still was after all these years and it seemed that maybe there was only one answer for it.

"I'm not doing it-" "Sorry?" He rolled his eyes with an exasperated sigh much like she would have done. "Treatment, I'm not having it." "I can assure you that it is your best chance Mr-" "I said no." Without waiting for another response he stood up wandering out of the door making sure to close it with some force behind him.

It wasn't until the fresh air hit him that the gravity of what he had just been told weighed down on him. He lifted a hand to his temple trying to soothe the dull aching which had come back. The sun was boiling causing him to pull his jacket off and throw it over his arm as he continued his walk.

He tried clearing his mind as thoughts of all kinds flooded his head. The streets were crowded, as they always were. Buildings soaring on either side until he reached the river's edge. A huge, elaborate bridge stretching across the water with people rushing from side to side. The one thing he missed about home was the wide open space, the space he'd go to to think.

Instead he was stuck in this concrete city surrounded by people who meant nothing to him. Even after three years, there was no-one. His palms were clammy as he placed them to the cool metal railings pushing his weight forwards. Glancing down over the water bought so many fresh thoughts to his mind, about how easy it could all be to just take the plunge, right there, right then.

Something stopped those thoughts though. He threw his head back sighing trying to get her out of his head. No matter what he'd done recently, she's all there was. Maybe it was some kind of punishment for walking away, a way of making him feel guilty about everything he'd ever messed up in his life, including her.

Rather than continue contemplating it, he continued the walk making sure to take any extra turn that he could to prolong the walk. These streets weren't home, they never had been. Everything up until this point may have been fine, it may have even began to feel like he really belonged but it was all worthless now.

Getting back to the flat he headed straight in ignoring any greetings from the people around him. His face was a blank canvas showing nothing to those around. All that escaped him were sighs as he dragged his feet. He pulled his keys from his pocket dropping them to the floor. Swearing under his breath he bent down grabbing them only to wince at the pain in his head.

Standing up he didn't look to his side where he felt a pair of eyes on him. He shoved the key into the lock as quickly as he could before pushing the door open. It barely clicked shut as he closed it, his hands resting against the cool surface. Leaning forwards he rest his forehead to the door before his legs gave way to him.

He knelt before the door throwing his fist into it as the rage raised in him. How could he have been so stupid to think everything would be fine? How could he have not realised all his symptoms added up, he was a doctor for Christ's sake.

After the anger dissipated, it sunk in what he had just been told. He had cancer. Cancer. Who knew six letters could make such a dramatic change in your life. With his eyes stinging as well as his fist, he let the tears begin rolling down his cheeks. Nothing made sense anymore, especially not why this had happened to him. What had he done so wrong?

Sniffing he slumped down to the floor with his back against the wall looking around the flat. Grabbing his jacket he pulled his phone out going through his contacts. Finding her name he glanced at the most recent messages. 10/06/2014 over two years ago since he had last text her, even longer since he'd last heard her voice.

His thumb hovered over her name, part of him wanting to call her so badly needing the comfort her voice provided. There was no knowing if she'd have the same number or not, but it would have been worth the try. Then if she did answer, what would he even say? Hey, it's been two years but I thought I'd let you know I have cancer... No, that was never going down well.

Lifting his head again he gazed across the room at the state of the room. Things had been thrown from the counter, glass smashed all over the floor. Things hadn't been right for some time, but today clarified just how true that was. As he turned back to his phone again he knew it would be a stupid choice to call her.

Fighting with himself was an all too familiar thing. He launched the phone across the room towards the wall which it hit with a smash. The frame it caught dropped to the floor beside it, as both shattered. He dropped his head to his hands as sobs escaped his body again, this time nothing being held back.

Nothing was going to be the same now. His job was never going to last, not with the way US hospitals worked. A single sick day and you were pulled into the office with a more serious warning than you were with a month off in Holby. The pity he'd receive, how everyone would look at him differently once they knew. He couldn't face it, he couldn't face any of this. It seemed like ignoring the impending truth was better than facing it at all.

After all he was used to running from things. Sam Strachan, good for nothing and pathetic. That's what she had said, and it was only now that her words registered with him. "She was right... She was always right..." His words echoed in the cold, empty flat before the tears ensued again. Coming back from this was going to take some kind of miracle that he was never going to find, at least not in this world.