What Should Have Been

Part 23

Three days had passed without a word exchanged between the pair. Connie had retracted into herself once again, the icy façade returning to the forefront. Sam tried calling but had given up trying knowing that there would be no changing her mind on what she was feeling right now.

He knew he deserved this. He was the one who had been lying all this time, not her. Sam wanted nothing more than to speak to her. Tell her he never meant for any of this to happen. That he didn't want to hurt her, but she wouldn't listen. He couldn't expect her to in all honesty.

Connie sat at her desk staring at the same blank screen she had done everyday. Nothing she did took her mind away from the scary truth. Whether it was his health, or how she realised she felt for him, her mind was always ticking over it all. Leaning back in her chair she felt the tears rise in her eyes again.

Gently she began to cry letting her head fall down to her arms. Nothing made sense anymore. Why did this have to happen to him? What had he ever done to deserve this? Her sleeves became soddened with tears as she was unable to stop them falling. Her heart was breaking as she came to the realisation she could really lose him this time for good.

Charlie looked in through the window at Connie sighing to himself before wandering around to her door. He didn't knock, just let himself in closing the door silently behind him. Moving across the room he went straight to her side crouching down. Reaching an arm around her shoulder she lifted her head to face him. "Hey-" "He has cancer Charlie..." "Shh, I know... Hey..."

Her head fell to his chest as he wrapped his arms around her properly. Connie moved her hands round him, holding on afraid that she could lose him too. Her crying became more defined as the tears fell across her porcelain skin. Charlie placed a hand in the back of her hair whispering, trying to soothe the normally controlled clinical lead.

He stayed with her until she could no longer cry but sit blurry eyed and frozen. Charlie had seen many things in his time at the ED, but nothing was as frightening as the sight before him now. "Have you spoken to him?" Connie shook her head gently as she sat up taking a deep breath. She pushed her hair back from her face pulling it up into a ponytail. "How can I?"

Charlie sighed standing up moving towards the sofa. "Come sit here..." He patted the space beside him as Connie dragged herself up and traipsed over to him. "When did he tell you?" "Tuesday evening... We went for dinner because he didn't want to have the conversation in hospital." Charlie nodded placing a comforting hand to her back. "Charlie he can't have cancer I need him..."

Her voice broke as her eyes found his. "He can't... He just can't..." "Hey, he has every chance of getting through this." She shook her head frantically. "He's not had any treatment, you and I both know what that does to someone!" He nodded knowing better than to try and lie. "Yes, but it doesn't mean everything is over. Connie he could get through this."

She wasn't convinced at his kind words but then nothing would make her feel any better right now. Nothing that wasn't being with Sam. She wrung her hands together in her lap staring down at them. "Have you tried to talk-" "I can't. This isn't just about me Charlie, I have to think of Grace. She barely stops talking about him, how am I supposed to tell her he's sick?"

Connie let her head fall to her hands as Charlie ran a hand up and down her back in a soothing manner. "What else happened?" Connie lifted her hand looking to him shaking her head letting her eyes fall. "I said I loved him." "And do you?" Meeting his gaze she nodded carefully. Charlie forced a smile rubbing her forearm. "Then don't make him do this alone... He came back because he needed you, don't forget that."

They remained quiet for a few more moments before Connie sighed. "I don't think I can face him right now." Charlie nodded standing up. "Don't leave it too long though... You don't want to regret your actions Connie, life is too short and we're reminded of that far too often." She sighed standing up to face him. "Thank you for not lecturing me-" "My pleasure."

Once the door was closed Connie collected her thoughts for a while. Flicking through the messages on her phone she considered responding. Sam had tried so hard to get some kind of answer from her but she couldn't face this. Not yet.

Being alone was both a comfort and a nightmare. It meant that her mind was plagued with worries and what ifs that continued to throw up new problems. She wanted to see him and know that he was okay. She wanted to talk some sense into him and get him to receive treatment but she was too stubborn.

After another few hours of slowly getting through paperwork she packed up for the night gathering her things. She pulled on the white coat before leaving the office to come face to face with Charlie. "Get some rest Connie-" "I will..." She nodded forcing a smile that he saw straight through.

Turning away she stepped out into the cold night letting the fresh air wash over her. Taking a deep breath she filled her lungs before looking up to the sky. The moon was bright giving a white glow to everything that lay beneath. She pushed her hands into her pockets beginning to walk over to her car as someone else moving across the road caught her attention.

Sam had noticed the lights to her car flash as she unlocked it. Looking over he saw her pausing for a second at her door. Something within them both was screaming. There was nothing they wanted more than to speak to the other but they both held reservations on it too.

Connie took her eyes away from him getting into the car ending the moment. Sam stayed where he was watching her start the engine before dropping his head, starting his walk away from the hospital. Connie glanced back in her rear view mirror to see he had began to walk away. As she drove past him she focused on the road, Sam lifting his head to watch her drive by. He stopped for a second before walking again wanting the ground to swallow him up whole. This was going to be a long wait.