Repression ▶ M•C ▶ 2/3

Chapter 64

                  
I was sat on the brown sofa with my blue blanket wrapped around my shoulders after a long day of work then college. It was dark outside and probably approaching midnight. There wasn't anything in particular on tv that I was watching, just flicking through channels until I found something mildly amusing. Brad was in his room, sleeping, but I wasn't tired, I didn't want to sleep. In the past sleeping was one of my favourite things to do, I would dream about all my friends and go on crazy adventures together, now I'm scared that I'll have one of those dreams and relapse back into a miserable person again.

It had been a long time since I had seen any of them in person, only really staying in touch with Gwyneth and Cat. It was alright though; I had to distance myself from as many of them as I could otherwise I wouldn't be able to fully let go of the relationship I had with Michael.
Suddenly there was a knock at the front door and my head jerked over in that direction. Who the hell was here? Do they not know what the time is? I got off the sofa and crept towards the front door. When I unlocked it and pulled it open, a tight strain in my chest almost made me fall backwards.

"Hi" they said timidly. I stood in shock for a few seconds before I pulled myself back together and took a deep breath. "What are you doing here?" I whispered, trying not to let my voice crack. I studied the person in front of me carefully; quite a lot had changed since I last saw them. "I need to talk to you; I wouldn't come unless it was important" She looked nervously at me through her pale blue eyes. I wanted to look away; it was too much to see someone that was once part of my life but now wasn't it brought back all kinds of things I had repressed. It was like meeting her for the first time all over again; I had no clue what she was like anymore. I stepped aside and held the door open, quickly glancing at the floor as she stepped through the doorway. I shut the door and turned back to the young woman who was taking off a long cream trench coat.

Her hair was now much lighter, practically white blonde and a lot longer than it was when I left; it was curled slightly and pulled to one side, flowing down over her elbows. Underneath her coat she was wearing a white blouse and black skinny jeans, with high black wedges on her feet. She put her coat on the sofa before pulling out a chair at the dining table and sitting down. "Harriet" I sighed, leaning against the kitchen counter. "Look, I'm not here to ask you any questions about what happened when we last saw you, I just wanted to give you something" She put her bag on the table and rummaged through it. She finally pulled out a small white envelope, with my name neatly written across it. She put it down on the surface and pushed it towards me. "I know this is probably the last place you want to be, but it would mean a lot if you came" she smiled weakly.

I picked up the envelope and tore it open, taking out a small white card and reading it carefully. "You're getting married?" I gasped, looking back up at her. She nodded and glanced at the engagement ring around her finger. "You've been hiding for over a year now, a lot has changed. But then, in a way, they haven't" she kept a straight face. "But I really want you to be there, with everyone else. I know it won't be the best way to meet them all again but I think you've been gone for too long, they need you" she protested. "He needs you" she added quietly. I stayed quiet, overrun with thoughts rushing through my head. After all this time, I have a chance to come back into their lives, to see all my old friends again. This was exactly what I wanted, but I just felt so nervous about Michael. It's been a year since we have been in the same room and he's changed more than anyone. What if he makes me leave? What if he doesn't even care?

"I'll have to think about it" I finally spoke, pulling myself away from the counter and walking over to the door. "I'll understand if you don't go, I just want everything to be perfect, it's up to you" she stood up and took her coat off the sofa, putting it on and walking over to me. "I'll hopefully see you there" she put one hand on my shoulder and rubbed it. "It's so good to see you, you've hardly changed a bit" she smiled, opening the door and stepping out into the dark. "You too" I stood in the doorway and watched her get into a big black car, before driving away.

I turned and shut the door, leaning against it and looking around the apartment. I wanted to change; I didn't want to be the same girl they saw when I left. I hated the thought of them talking about me, hating me because of what happened. I stared over at the pair of scissors on the coffee table by the sofa, then down at my brown messy hair. I wanted change. I walked quickly over to the coffee table and picked up the scissors, hurrying to the bathroom and locking the door. I stared at myself in the mirror and held a chunk of it in my hand. I raised the scissors and slowly started to cut off sections of my hair. Gradually, a small pile of hair around me started to form on the white tiles of the floor, and I finally placed the scissors down. I didn't recognise myself at all, my hair used to come down to my elbows, now it was up to my neck. I turned the tap on and cleaned the strands of cut hair off my fingers, before running them through the small amount of hair I had left. I liked it, I'm sure Brad will force me to get a professional to finish it off but it suited me in a way I never thought it would. Now no one can say that I haven't changed, I let go of the past the moment I shut the door on them a year ago. And that's how I'll act when I go to Harriet and Luke's wedding, like none of this hurt me at all. Not one bit.