Or Is It Real?

CHAPTER 6: Better Together

Camila's PoV

Ignoring Lauren for the past two weeks has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to endure because not only did it feel that I've lost my bestfriend but I've also lost my heart. It's harder when I see her trying so hard to get my attention, or when we're performing and she keeps on looking at me or tries to sit beside me, and it takes all my willpower to keep myself from succumbing.

I miss our routines while performing our favorite songs, and sometimes I find my head automatically moving towards her direction when it's her turn to sing just like I used to do. It may look like I don't care, especially since it's so obvious the way Lauren kept on glancing at me during our ballads, and that I don't even throw her a single glance, but inside, it's eating me up, tearing me to pieces. Sometimes, things get too heavy that I can't help but tear up when we sing "our song" as I have now come to consider "Who Are You", because of the way it hits me, like freaking Buffy staking me straight to my undead heart. I knew Lauren felt emotional to that song too because I've seen her tear up as well when I watch videos of our performances.

I felt bad for ignoring her despite her great attempts to patch up our friendship, but I was hurting. I needed time to brood. Because when she suggested that we put our image first before our friendship, as if "we" don't matter, I gotta tell you it hurt me so bad, like she clawed at my heart, ripped it from my chest, and fed it to a bunch of hungry cats.

I never had any expectations (okay, maybe a little bit of wishful thinking) that Lauren will reciprocate what I feel for her, nor did I ever plan on letting her know, in fact, I was willing to just admire her silently. Act like a bestfriend and nothing more.

Granted, that sometimes I get too obvious with the staring, touching, and inappropriate comments, but I always managed to spin it as me just being goofy. So, yeah, I never imagined Lauren liking me as more than a friend even though there have been quite a few times when I felt something different with her actions towards me, like, maybe she does like me like I like her. I'm not delusional though, of course, it's impossible that she could like me. She only sees me as a little sister. That stings, but I'll take that as long as she gets to be my bestfriend.

It's all good, right? I can totally do that. I'm kind of a masochist, anyway.

Then one day I hear it straight from her mouth that we need to tone down our closeness in public? Our friendship was the only thing that has kept me sane in this crazy biz full of haters and scrutiny, and now what? It's all I have and they're taking it away? Damn right I was hurt. Nobody could blame me if they knew where I was coming from.

So I avoided her, thinking that maybe eventually I'll get used to her not being with me all the time and get rid of my silly crush. What actually happened was I just kept on pining for her every single day as I got more and more confused.

That's why after more than two weeks of total radio silence, here I was, sitting in my bunk, with Lauren looking at me with those big expressive eyes that sometimes made me forget my own name. What are you doing to me, Lauren?

"Camz... I really missed you." All I wanted to do right now was hug her and let all my sadness flow from my body, but I was too nervous to do anything. My body was frozen. And I knew that she's nervous too, I heard it in her voice.

Why was this so hard, though?

My mouth felt so dry that when I tried to speak, no words came out. All I heard was a squeak. Like a dang chipmunk.

Lauren smiled at me, and I giggled softly.

I tried again. "I'm sorry I ignored you, Lo." I'm trying so hard to fight back tears but I felt my eyes become watery and I bit my bottom lip as if that's gonna stop me from breaking down.

"Hey, hey Camz, don't be sorry. I totally get you. I mean, I know I sounded so insensitive and I would have been hurt too if it was you who said what I said. I didn't mean to sound like I didn't care about our friendship, because you mean a lot to me."

The other girls were already sleeping in their own bunks but we still kept our voices low considering how close our bunks are to each other.

"I just hate what's happening. I don't want us to not be friends."

"I told you I won't ever let that happen, Camz."

"I don't want us to change how we are, in private or in public, but I understand your point now."

She kept her eyes trained at me without saying anything, urging me to continue. I swallowed quickly before speaking again.

"All I know is I want you back, Lo-Lo, so yes, I guess I have to agree with their plan. From now on, no more hugging or whatever silly stuff I do or say to you in public, and I'll also stop tweeting you or posting our selfies..." A small sob escaped my lips. I saw Lauren immediately reaching out to me, her eyes full of worry and sadness. I don't understand why this felt so painful, it's not like we're really gonna stop being friends. It's just for show. Why does it affect me so much?

Why do I feel this intense need to show the world that I'm the closest to Lauren? Like I'm marking my terrritory? Which is crazy because Lauren is not mine to mark.

Well, it doesn't matter anyway, because I can't do anything with her in public anymore.

What a bag full of suck.

I didn't even notice when my tears started flowing down my cheeks. Only when Lauren pulled me into her chest and hugged me so tightly that I felt the warm droplets smeared on my face, and everything started crumbling down, and all the emotions I tried to cage inside me and the feel of Lauren's arms around me made me just cry harder.

I felt her soft breath in my neck, whispering to me words of comfort, her hand gently rubbing my back while her other hand was palming my hair. I felt at home in her arms, but at the same time, my heart felt like being stabbed because her hugs reminded me of our current predicament.

I may be young and I know we promised each other that nothing will change between us, but instinct tells me to prepare myself. Take it from me, guys, when people emphatically say that nothing will change, it's not you they're trying to convince, rather, they're convincing themselves so hard that nothing will indeed change because deep inside, everybody knows that change is the only permanent thing in this world.

So yeah, I hugged Lauren harder and didn't let go for a long time as I continued sobbing, because deep in my heart, and I know she felt it too, that things between us will definitely change.

I just didn't know how it was gonna change us.

How things will change everything.
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A/N:

Question: Would you rather be Camila's bestfriend or Lauren's girlfriend?

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