The ones I cannot forget

Regrets

It was Lee's top. I breathed in his fresh scent as tears rolled down my cheeks. I cuddled it as I lay melon holy on the bed. I loved this, I loved him. Why was I not good enough for anyone!?! I hated me.
I walked into the mirror, and stared at my ugly self.
"I hate you I hate you I HATE YOU" I wanted to rip out my ugly hair, break my ugly face and squish my ugly body. Why was I not like the pretty girls? I was so different and ugly.
I couldn't do this anymore, I thought about suicide but I knew I wouldn't have the guts to jump off anything or end my life in any way. Even the thought of overdose scared me and drinking bleach made me want to puke.
I was stuck in this world. So I sat on my window sill and I sung a sad tune. However I forgot the window was open...
"Ugh yuck, you suck go deafen someone else ewww"   A strange looking man yelled at me. I quickly shut the window, pulling an apologetic face.
I hated me. Why was I here. If only there was some way to punish myself...
I sighed, nope there was nothing.
I wasn't hungry but if the breakup with Patrick had taught me anything, it was when I'm depressed I need to eat. It helped me break out of the Depression of loosing him so maybe it could help with this. I walked past the half unpacked suitcase, down the stairs and into the kitchen. I tried to be so positive today as well, but I couldn't be. I was an ugly, good for nothing piece of...
"What should I eat, I need to loose weight so I guess a light salad" I squeezed my waist, why was I so fat?
I shrugged off the upset and began cutting the cucumber. Suddenly the knife slipped and fell off the counter. It hit me in the hip As it fell.
"Oh you stupid clumsy idiot" I threw the inside in the sink and washed it before preparing the rest of the salad.
My hip kept hurting all through the preparation, but I ignored it. Finally a punishment to my idiocy.
As I sat down to eat the salad I couldn't ignore the pain any longer. I applied pressure to the pain and it soon intensified.
"What is going on here?" I thought as I pulled my hand up to my face. It was horrifying, my finders were covered in a thin layer of red, liquid. I stared down at the wound and realised that the knife was so sharp it had managed to cut through my tracksuit pants and into my skin.
I pulled my pants down slightly to see the sound and it was fairly big.
"Oh whatever I deserved it annyways" I sighed, pulling up my pants a and eating the salad, ignoring the pain.
After I had eaten about two bites if salad I sat down and watched TV. I blankly stared at the screen watching shows I had never seen before purely because couldn't be bothered to change the channel.
The pain became worse and worse. I needed to do something, so I sat up and was about to go and get the first aid kit.
"No Autumn, after what you said to Katie today? Lee's leaving so who did you have? No one and it's all your fault." I sat back, I deserved this so I would accept it. I suddenly had a brisk flashback of before I made the wound, I remembered wishing there was some way to punish myself.
I sat up again." An easy way of punishment" I thought as I walked solemnly to the kitchen. I pulled out the knife I had used earlier and sat in the bathroom, back against the cold, metal heater.
I balled the knife in my knees, rotating it about in my hands.
"Should I really do this? " I said outloud. If I did it on my hips then no one would notice so I would get no stupid pity.
"I am Autumn rivers and I work alone, I also believe in punishment and a suitable reaction for your actions" I thought confidently. If I didn't do this karma would get me anyway.
I dug the knifes blade deeply into my hip.
"This is for being horrid to your best friend" I steamed as the blade was dragged down my hip.
"This is for not asking if she was ok"
"This if for being idiotic"
"This is for not being good enough for Lee"
"This is for being fat"
"This is for being ugly"
After a while I had huge cuts all down my hip and leg that splashed blood in to the oath room floor. It stung, but surprisingly it didn't hurt as much as I hoped it would. Maybe this thing that I was going through was more painful. I was crying if course, but most of m years had already been cried out.
I didn't regret it one bit, I deserved it and this was my punishment. I was satisfied...
"HELP!" I woke with a jolt, sitting up. I had a nightmare again! I couldn't work it all out. Why was I asleep in the bathroom with my pants down? Why was my hop hurting? I looked down and almost screamed as I saw the thick, burgundy dried blood that gathered in my hip like I had some strange infection. I remembered everything.
Never had I felt so much regret. Why did I do this? I didn't care for the hurt, it was what I deserved but I did care for what people would think.
"Oh there's the weird self harm girl again" I pictured Katie and Lee shaking their heads and laughing behind my back. I could imagine Lee laughing and explaining how he only wanted me for fun and was never serious about loving me.
I let a tear splash in the blood covered floor. I dampened a towel and wiped the blood away, throwing the towel and the knife in the bin before trudging up the stairs.
Gam over.
I lay in the bed, I wasn't strong. Everything Lee said was wrong. I wasn't a beach babe, I wasn't beautiful, I wasn't sexy, he didn't love me and I definitely wasn't strong. I gave up and something inside me switched off, joining the part of me that had unlocked.
Sleeping was hard especially when you were waking up every five minutes, swearing or crying. It was one of the hardest nights I had had so far. Horrible.
When I finally myself out of bed I realised how less than a year ago I was dating Patrick and Katie and me had never been closer. Lee was just a distant thought and I never would have considered where I'd been now. It was only May and it had already been a crazy year, my craziest yet.
My hip was swore but I decided to ignore at and continue unpacking. I hid Lee's shirt under my pillow so I could smell it when I felt alone. I was far from happy, but I wasn't as low as yesterday. Things get better.
Once I had finished unpacking I put the suitcase in the spare room and lay back on my bed. I had no motivation to do anything.
I heard a car door slam and thought about my  neighbours, they must have judged me so brutally over these months. I could imagine the woman if the family next door telling the man "oh yeah, she's happy one sad the next. I think she's bipolar" and the man shaking his head annoyed.
I could imagine the elderly woman to the other side tutting. "Honestly, self harm? That's not how we used to do it in my day" I sat up shivering, filled with regrets.
I felt hundreds of eyes on me, burning. I shivered... Another panic attack?
There was a loud knock on my door and I jumped violently. With my eyes damp with tears I decided to ignore whoever was there. It wasn't worth it, I needed to concentrate on this minor panic attack. I needed to get it out of my body and mind.
I focused on the techniques Lee had taught me, but something felt wrong. Lee wasn't here telling me it was all ok and that I was strong. He wouldn't be ever again. I'd lost him just like I'd lost Katie and it was all my own stupid fault.
Another knock on the door. what now? More Knocks rang thigh the room and I stood up. Tears were still damp on my face but I couldn't ignore it.
"BANG BANG BANG BANG!" I growled, why couldn't I be alone for more than a day?
I opened the door, angry expression on my face.
There was a big car in the driveway, a car I knew very well. Why was it here? My eyes lifted to the person at my door. Katie...

Hey guys, did you like this? It was the hardest part to write because it's hard to write sad and depressed when you're not sad and depressed. I didn't want to be sad because being happy is the best! So, Katie is at autumns door and Autumn has been self harming. Why is Katie at her door? Will Autumn ever be able to open up to her self harm to anyone? I love you guys for reading so far, pleas comment to be one if my favourite people! Ever!!!!  Ily, bye! Xxx