bumbling about

74

you know that feeling of pure fear when for a brief moment you realise that what you do in life actually means nothing in the grand scheme of things so there is actually no point trying? because i sure do!

this already sounds like a danisnotonfire video. wow. going back to my roots, i guess.

it happens to me a lot, i guess - but its also the realisation that i have no idea what i want to do with my life that scares me half to death. part of me wants to be some famous music producer that wins grammys for my work but another part of me wants to move to just outside of london and own a tiny yet moderately successful coffee shop and its real indie and instagram-famous people take photos to show their followers - you feel?

and i've probably touched upon this subject so many time throughout this stupid book, but its constantly at the back of my head.

theres so many different things people are telling me to do - whether its science or art and everything in between - but, if i'm honest, i hate it when people try to tell me what to do with my life. i have to pick the subjects which will carry me through the rest of school up until college so so soon - problem is, i don't know what i'm going to pick.

and going back to the fact that nothing really matters - my teachers keep lecturing us about making a difference and how we have to put effort into everything we do but really? do we? theres gonna be times in life where my privilege carries me through,  and theres gonna times when me showing up will be enough. i could end up not going to college and because of my education i might still get a job.

that whole idea terrifies me, and i don't know why. i'm not religious so i don't believe in an afterlife so the fact that my life is so short and what i do won't matter in a hundred years is so strange to wrap my head around.

what a light topic issy chose to talk about!! wow!!

in other news - higher level maths is fucking me over and holy shit why can't i do algebra 5. that makes no sense to so many people who read this, i know, but if anyone who is a maths genius could do all my homework for me so i can write more that would be greatly appreciated.