“Like We Use To” A Rocket To The Moon
She glanced at me and sighed, “Just this once, Rian.”
I nodded happily, trying to simmer the feelings that seemed to bubble inside me. My smile must have been evident in my face because she gave me a straight glare, a way to tell me that there was no way this was going to fix anything.
Still, the feelings inside me where hard to put out. They were happily present, and I- foolishly enough- let them be.
We walked a bit away from the people that hanged around in small bunches in the dimly lit hallway. We went outside, away from the chattering buzz and flickering fluorescent lights.
I turned to her and she crossed her arms; she was still defensive after all this time. The happiness seemed to dwindle down a bit, the sadness that I felt at her hurt putting it out a bit. However, it was still present.
“Karen can we…?”
“Look, Rian.” She started. Her voice had an edge to it, her eyes were soft- they were almost pitying.
That seemed to make the happiness go completely away. Instead it was overtaken by nervousness. The feelings wriggled around in my stomach like snakes, making me want to puke and run away. For once I realized how stupid this was. What exactly was I expecting? For my apology to be taken seriously for once, taken straight to heart? For me to be completely forgiven? To put everything back in some deep, dust-filled chamber where neither of us remembered?
Ha. Ha. Ha.
Right.
All the words I had wanted to say just slipped completely from my mind. They spilled out my ears and into the snow covered floor, melting against the cool ice. I swallowed nervously as I dared to look at Karen’s eyes.
Her green eyes were sympathetic.
Why had I let her go?
She sighed and uncrossed her arms, and let me tell you, that made the snakes in my stomach calm a bit. “Rian,” her voice no longer held that edge, instead it was soft and concerned. “It’s over.”
It’s over. That’s exactly what I had said. Simply, ‘it’s over.’ Funny.
I opened my mouth. Why couldn’t I just apologize? Surely with those two words all the rocks that seemed to have taken residence in my heart would leave? I hoped.
She sighed and pursued her lips before looking away. She kicked the snow with the toe of her brown boot. Her pale hand traveled up to her head as she ran her long fingers through her pale blonde hair. “I’m really sorry, Rian.”
She had said it. Those two words that I so wish I could say.
Why couldn’t I?
I was sorry enough. I was more than sorry enough.
“It’s just,” she continued, her green eyes still avoiding mine. “It ended, remember? You ended it.”
The last sentence wasn’t supposed to feel accusing. It did though. Another rock to be added to my heart.
“Can we just move on?” Her voice was monotone, her eyes silently pleading with me.
Did I want to move on?
The fact that I had no answer to that scared the shit out of me. And it scares the hell out of me, and the end is all I can see.
Her thin fingers reached out and her hand rested on my shoulder. She squeezed quickly, enough pain to bring me back to reality.
“It’s time to let go, Rian.” Her voice was like velvet and honey, and all good things mixed into one.
Her hand fell back to her side and she tucked it into her pocket, “I’ll see you around, kay, Rian? Take care.”
And with that she walked away.
Maybe the rocks should have left, after knowing that she was okay. That she was happy (even if it wasn’t with me), wasn’t that enough?
But the rocks were still there. And they would still be there. At least until I say those two words I wish I could have said as all these seconds pass by.
I’m sorry.
I’m truly sorry, Karen.
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A/N: I added Muse lyrics to this at the end, the stuff that's italicized. It's from "Thoughts of a Dying Atheist." I don't know why I did. It just came to me in that moment. So that's why they're in there in case anyone noticed.
