save me | yoonseok

Eighteen.

Hoseok's mother

The same bar. The same bartender. The same company around the same time - from two until nine pm. I actually haven't drunk much today, perhaps  two or three shots of vodka and a glass of wine. My worn clothes and the smell of the cigarettes made my feel like I belong here. I don't deserve a better place. After many ups and downs, I wasn't able to raise my two beautiful kids and instead of being a perfect mother I was, I ended up here. 

You probably think I'm the worst mother ever. I hurt my kids - not only physically but also mentally. Which pain is worse? The most saddest thing is, there's no way out. I'm trapped in a vicious circle and I can't raise my hand or voice for help. The feeling of alcohol, the sweet taste of it. I can't help it. The warmth in my veins, the nice company full of people same as me who makes me think it's okay. It's not. I truly know it.

But today, something was different. Before I went out, I heard Hoseok talking to someone. He was laughing. I looked inside through the door gap and saw him sitting on a bed, holding his phone. There was also my little princess Dawon, laying on his bed with a book and reading. She loves books just like Hoseok. My two little bookworms. My ex-husband made a fun of it but I was the only one who bought them all those books. Unfortunately, I couldn't anymore. 

But something I really love about them was their relationship. He basically raised her. He was there for her when I wasn't able to. Tears welled in my eyes were so big so I couldn't see forward. I let them fall on my old white black t-shirt where they all got lost. I was still quiet. But then, my legs began to move out of the house. My body wants another drink. My brain needs another drink. My broken heart wants another drink. 

Dark mahogany doors from the bar were shut as always. I grabbed the door handle but I couldn't open it. I tried it again and again, until my hands hurt. I looked around me and saw all these people, always running somewhere, talking to people on phones, holding their paper cups with coffee. I can't remember the last time I had a cup of coffee. 

***

I came home pretty soon and behind the window I saw Hoseok cooking. Japchae again. The smell of food wafted through the house. They both were singing some songs I haven't heard before but they both went silent when they saw me standing in the doors.

"What are you doing?" I asked, watching their reactions. Dawon hid behind Hoseok who's still mixed the food.

"Just cooking." he answered and smiled a bit. 

"Would you mind if I eat with you?" I asked again and he lifted up his head.

"Are you sure about it? Last time, you smashed a plate against the wall." he reminded me and my eyes were full of tears again.

"I know." I whispered. 

"Bunny, go prepare cutlery and glasses, please." he said to her and kissed her forehead. She hasn't said a word since I came home. I couldn't blame her.

"Hoseok." I pronounced his name but I couldn't continue. He grabbed my shoulder and gently pulled me closer to him. I began to cry. All those feelings were out now. Tears are a way more important than words. He stroked my hair and I I held him tight. I was afraid I would lose him. That he evaporate like a steam in a minute.

"It's okay, I got you. We get through of it." he whispered into my ear. 

And that's all I wanted to hear. No matter what I've done or said to him, he has always loved me.