Broken Dreams (Buckin)

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1 month later

I nervously chewed on my nails with my eyes fixed on the ceiling of my room, only shadowy perceptible in the darkness of the night.

What had I done? I was so stupid.

My mind wandered back to the afternoon, how bad I had felt and then my fight with Jane. It was all my fault.

I never meant to shout at her and she hadn't done anything wrong. It was just that I had kept all my confusing emotions held back for way too long already.

But she didn't deserve that and now I felt so terrible. Why was it that I always kept messing everything up with all of my girlfriends? Maybe I should just give it up, it never felt quite right anyway. Maybe I didn't deserve to love and be loved. 

I took a glance over at my phone. No new messages. Would she actually come back?

After what I had said to Jane she had grabbed her bag and ran out of our house. I wasn't exactly sure where, but I had also been to overwhelmed by my emotions to chase after her.

Now I kind of wished I had. She didn't deserve a twat like me, she was such a nice girl.

Like so many times I found myself playing with the thought of breaking up with her. But something held me back.

It was just easier I guess, easier to pretend I was all happy. Easier to pretend I did't know the truth. Yet, deep down I did know it. I was just too afraid to accept it.

For a while, I had really been happy. Why could it never stay like that? Was I myself the mistake? I had to be, after all there was no reason at all to not be happy.

I already knew I wouldn't be able to sleep tonight but I tried closing my eyes anyway. 

For a little while I managed to concentrate on my breath, slowly letting the fresh air in through my nose and out through my mouth and taking in the feeling of the steady rising and falling of my chest. But it was only a matter of a few minutes that my breathing technique failed and my mind started racing again. 

There was so much I had done wrong and no matter what I did I would end up hurting someone. If it would at least only be me who had to suffer. But even then I knew I would pull the whole band down with it. I thought back to my last break-up, the heartbreaking  look Jonny had always had in his eyes when he saw the bags under my red eyes. They all didn't deserve to go through this again with me.

Would this ever end? I knew I  would never get what I truly wanted. Sometimes I was just too tired of everything, too tired of my life, too tired of hiding my feelings. But I still hoped that one day they would simply disappear. 

Just as I was about to stand up and get myself a glass of water I heard the sound of the house door being opened. For a moment I wondered who would be coming here at 2am but I came to the conclusion that it could only be Jane. Probably she didn't want to find a different place to stay tonight. 

I watched her walk by our room through the half-opened door, she didn't even look into it. Obviously she was too wasted to do so. I couldn't blame her.

Finally giving up on the fight to sleep I turned the lights on and picked up my book. Maybe reading would distract me at least a little. 

After four long hours of half reading, half trying to sleep I finally saw the first rays of sunshine falling in through the curtains I hadn't bothered to close properly. Almost ironic, what a  beautiful day it already seemed to be. But here in California you didn't get a shower of rain fitting your mood like they did in the movies. 

Jane probably wouldn't be getting up for another one or two hours so I was left alone with my thoughts and a cup of coffee. I decided to call Jonny who was hundreds of miles away from me. If I had calculated the time shift correctly he should still be up. But I wasn't good with timezones and I hated to be so far apart from him and the rest of the band. 

For a moment I considered telling him about what had happened but I didn't want him to worry. So we just chatted about some everyday stuff. Only hearing his voice was already made me feel so much better though. He was too precious for this world. I had much rather been where he was instead of being stuck in this "perfect" life I didn't want.