Broken Dreams (Buckin)

•8•

From now on I started counting the days until Jonny's visit. I carefully erased the 13 on the post-it note on my fridge and turned it into a 12. Twelve days... I could make that, couldn't I? Sure it hurt to know it was still so long but on the other hand it was the only thing I could hold on to at the moment. But it wasn't like Jonny's visit would really make things so much better, would it? I felt like I was holding on to an illusion. Probably my desire for him would just grow worse once I was actually physically close to him. Anyway I was dying to see him, even if it would make it even harder to keep hiding my feelings.

As bad as I wanted to, there was no way I could tell him the truth, was it? He would probably think I was weird, a complete idiot, the kind of person you better avoid. What was even wrong with me? It wasn't normal to fall in love with your male friend after having known him for 20 years. 

Or maybe I had always been in love with him and had just always suppressed that feeling? Maybe in fact there might have been tiny signs... like the way my body would tingle when Jonny kissed me on the cheek... or the jealousy I had always felt when Jonny had a new girlfriend... could it really have been...? I had just never seen the possibility that I might be in love with a guy, or my best friend to be exact.

Everything in my mind just didn't seem to make any sense anymore, all just a huge mess. The more I tried to find answers and solutions the more my mind just seemed to feel utterly empty.

Why? Why? Why? Why?

I just wanted to scream. Scream at the universe for putting me in this situation, scream at myself for being such a stupid, selfish idiot. I felt like I was stuck inside my mind, a mind making life hell.

I curled myself up on the floor, the knees in my chest while my fingernails were clasping my legs so hard that they left marks, but I didn't even notice the pain. My whole body was shaking and I felt like the air had been taken away from me, like a heavy weight had been put on my chest.

There I was, a sobbing mess on my floor. What had I become? I felt like this wasn't me,  but I couldn't find or go back to the old me anymore. The old me seemed like an illusion in my mind, something far gone. This didn't feel like home, not anymore. I had no idea where even my home was. With Jonny? Maybe, but it would still hurt even if I was with him.

I just wanted to escape, escape from that burning feeling inside of me, escape from my life.

After a few minutes I calmed down a bit, now able to breathe properly again. Everything just seemed so unreal around me, I just didn't take it in anymore. I couldn't be saved, I was all alone. My crying had stopped by now, I wasn't really feeling anything anymore, I was just numb. But the pain wasn't gone, it still seemed to be inside of me, ready to make me panic again any second. 

I forced myself to take a deep breathe in, hoping that breathing would calm me down. Just when I was about to go outside to get some fresh air my phone started vibrating in my pocket.

Without even looking at the screen I knew it was Jonny. He took so good care of me since he knew what had happened. Of course the others tried to make sure I was okay too but I could tell Jonny was most worried and caring, as usual. He was an angle. Way too precious to deserve someone like me. 

Taking out my phone I pondered whether I should answer the call. I was desperate to hear his voice and to talk with him. But I knew for sure he would ask if I was okay. And I didn't want to lie to him. But apart from the fact that I shouldn't be a load for him again there was no way to explain him just why I felt so bad. 

Not capable of getting my mind to work enough to make a decision I stared at the screen. 

Then, more out of a reflex than an actual decision, I hit the green button to answer the call. 

"Hi Chris.", his angelic voice echoed in my ears. I could picture his flawless face, his bright green eyes looking at me...

This was getting worse every single day. I started to question my decision to not deny my feelings any longer. But there had been no way to do that anymore. They seemed to be stronger than any other force on earth.

"I love you so much..." - fuck, what had I done?? Had I just said that out loud? It had probably been a barely audible whisper, but could he have heard it?

"Chris?"

"Yeah?", I replied, my heart beating so fast that I wondered if Jonny could hear it.

"Oh I couldn't hear you. I thought maybe the connection was bad."

I sighed in relief. He hadn't heard it. But even if he had, it wouldn't matter, would it? He would never look at me that way anyway. It will always just be friendship for him.