Broken Dreams (Buckin)

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3 weeks later

I hugged Jonny tightly one last time, trying to stop the tears that were filling my eyes from showing.

"Bye Jonny.", I said quietly with a sigh.

"Bye Chris."

Jonny was about to turn away and pick up with his luggage when I took him by surprise by planting a kiss on his cheek. He blushed but his grin gave away that even though he felt slightly embarrassed he did enjoy it.

"I'll miss you Jonnyboy.", I said with a sad smile.

"I'll miss you too."

With one last short pat on my back Jonny eventually started walking towards his flight while turning his head and waving at me.

I felt like the last few weeks the two of us had gotten closer than we had ever been, even though my feelings for him still caused me pain I was willing to try to ignore them if it meant I could have Jonny as a friend. No matter if it wasn't of romantic nature, our relationship had always been special and even more was so now. We never really talked about it but I could tell Jon felt the same and just genuinely enjoyed being with me.

Jonny respected that sometimes I couldn't talk about what was causing me pain but was always there for me to make me feel better anyway. And I always calmed him down when all the stress and complications his accident had caused were giving him anxiety. We needed each other, and I couldn't deal with the thought of us being apart for so long. But it was impossible for him to stay here, and I couldn't go to London for the next few weeks either because I had to look after my kids. I knew it would always be like this, as the frontman of a world famous band my job just included a lot of traveling. And I was fine with that, in fact I loved being able to get to know so many different places and cultures around the world, but only as long as the people I loved could come with me.

Once I arrived in my car I finally quit holding back and let the tears stream down my face. I couldn't be without Jonny, not for that long. I was so afraid I'd go back to how I had been feeling a few weeks ago, completely lost, at my rock bottom. 

Jonny and the rest of the guys had kept me distracted and rather joyful the last few weeks, but I knew that big hole in my life would still be there once I was all alone again. It wasn't even just my feelings for Jonny, though they were a big part of this whole thing. I also felt all the uncertainty and instability I had felt during Ghost Stories coming back to me. It's like all I had done was numb myself, with a new relationship, with work and playing huge shows. But that wasn't how it had felt only a year ago, I had genuinely believed I had managed to get myself and my life together. A Head Full Of Dreams. That's how it had felt at the beginning of this era. That's how I was supposed to be feeling, grateful to be alive. But it felt more like A Head Full Of Broken Dreams. Part of me craved playing shows again, but part of me didn't know how I was supposed to act all happy and colorful while I felt so broken inside.

I must have been sitting in my car just crying my eyes out and thinking for at least 20 minutes before I finally decided to make my way home. Sitting here and crying over the fact that I was all alone again wouldn't make things any better, I had to clear my mind.